On your 12th Birthday

(children together walking on the seashore)

What I've learned 12 years after we said goodbye to our triplets? God can make beauty out of the ashes. 

During that time, when it first happened, throughout the days that followed right after our children died, nothing made sense. Hope was shattered. It. Was. Awful. Grief is chaos, so expect it and plan for it. Now, after the dust have settled, I can tell you no matter how difficult might be your situation, when we believed the lie telling us we've run out of all options; that there is still a God, who is all powerful, all knowing, all full of love and mercy; and more important: He never runs out of options. 

Sooner of later you'll realize that will you have a choice to make. I decided I was choosing God.

Ten things bereaved parents fear

(Visiting heavenly siblings)

Today, I came across this well written article. Created by someone that understands how it feels to lose a child. And the impacts from it. I'm adding into the blog some of the main bullets, and a link to her article too. Just in case you want to learn more.

Talking about the fears bereaved parents endure might be eye opening to some people. It was for me, especially when putting a clear name to them. Like all fears, these listed below might appear to look irrational. I know most people in my life do not think these things. As the writer shared, I’m not even sure who is the “you” I am writing to; but have the assurance that it is nobody in particular. Here is the list so you can be better able to help those hurting, and honestly, so you can help me too.

On Your 11th Birthday

(A picture of how our family would have look, 11 years later)

To live ... for few minutes.

Once all the medical complications started to pile up, I reluctantly realized that the time of babies lives was coming to an end. I fought the idea. I prayed. I cried. I refused to accept that we were going to lose all of them. I hoped for a miracle and dreamed for the best, nevertheless my triplets were going to die.

But first, they were going to live! For how long? I didn't know. The doctors told us that they will likely live for only few seconds... Yes, somehow I had to compress all my life hopes and dreams to only few minutes, because I knew that Alexa, Jayden and Lilia were going to die right after their birth. How do you plan a life dream like this? How can I be prepared to be a daddy for only a handful of minutes, and then be ready to say goodbye when I didn't want to?

On Your 10th Birthday

Back in January, Jessica asked me and insisted that I should make one more new video to celebrate the 10th birthday of the triplets. I was very reluctant, because I was done. I thought that had nothing else left, to add, or share. I was depleted of ideas. So, I prayed and then listened to the song that inspired her. She was right, and I started diligently working on it. This new video came out so beautiful. I was beyond blessed while making it. I hope it blesses many others too. The song is a true blessing from above.

Looking back you were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.

Love with no place to go

Most people know that October is breast cancer awareness month, but did you know in 1988 President Reagan designated October as National Pregnancy and Infant Death awareness month?

This has been a taboo that many bereaved parents like us has to deal from time to time. I feel that it is getting better, but still there are people that haven’t heard about it; or still struggle to understand or have compassion to this kind of pain.

Faith

Few days ago I went to visit the triplet's grave and a beautiful sign caught my attention. It was on top of a baby stone and it simply read "FAITH". It touched my heart.

On Your Ninth Birthday

Unconditional Love. You'll never fully understand it, until you finally have your first child in your arms. On that very moment you'll understand how it feels to love someone more than yourself with a completely unreserved love that expects nothing in return. The same thing applies to understand the depths of incredibly devastating pain. If you've ever lost a child.

For the few that lived through this, you know how it is to be standing at the edge of end of life. At the chasm of death, stretching your arms, trying to rescue, trying to save, trying to change the course of the terrible reality, knowing very well, that it is beyond our control. I know parents that are still frozen in that moment in space, teetering there, perching in that point in time; unable to do anything else from this overwhelming pain, with so many unanswered questions, still trying to make sense of what happened.

An answer to prayer

Christmas Ball Ornament
from El Salvador.

It was Winter of 2014, when went to an event that benefits an international charity that have sponsored millions of poor children around the world. Those kids stay in the program until they reach the age of 18 and graduate from it. They make sure that the kids have the basics: food, clothing, medical care; but also that they are in a safe environment, attend school, and learn about God. We felt moved to take a step of faith and "pick" a child to sponsor, making the commitment to support the kid and never quit until they graduate. An awesome thing you get to do is to be able to write letters, and the kids might write letters (or drawings) back to you too.

As we were approaching the display table I was praying that God will lead us to choose a kid we can somehow bless. At the table there were only 4 kids left and available to be sponsored right away. My wife took a look and quickly selected one, telling me "in memory of our triplets we should sponsor this little girl". I agreed.

The Puzzle Piece

(This is an excerpt of what I shared during the 2017 Children Memorial Service. The audience were all the parents or family members of children at the same cemetery where my triplets rest.)

I believe all of you sitting here today have experienced an indescribable pain: the pain of losing a child. It is easy to get discourage or become bitter, and start asking yourself: why this happened to me? Perhaps, I think one main reason is because we can't see the final big picture that God has of our lives.

If you own a puzzle, you know that in the front of the box there is a picture of what it is supposed to look like. It might be a beautiful sunset overlooking the ocean or a beautiful landscape. But if you take only one piece out; and isolate it. You will say "look at this little funny piece, it makes no sense, it's a mistake, it won't fit anywhere, it's an odd shape, awful colors, there is nothing beautiful about it". But the fact is, that piece has a perfect place. It has been already fitted, planned, and very carefully designed. When the other pieces come together, it will fit in perfectly. The reason why we don't see it now, it is because the pieces are not all in place yet.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

"A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, 

but by the love that she holds in her heart". 

(Franchesca Cox)

On Your Eighth Birthday

"Sitting silently beside a friend who is hurting may be the best gift we can give" (Author Unknown)

Every day since my first child was born, I have walked through life differently. I thought it was only adversity that could change you, but receiving blessings can too. For all those nights, eight years ago, I wondered, Why do bad things happen to my family?, and now I find myself equally sleepless thinking, Why am I so lucky?...There are many friends who cannot have any children, or some others that struggle with secondary infertility. Why am I blessed with all my amazing kids? What did I do to deserve them?

Jensen Dedication

(Daddy and mommy holding Jensen)

Our beloved son Jensen,

You are a miracle and we're so blessed to be your parents.

Mathew 19:26 states: Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Your mommy went through six invitros, hoping and praying for a miracle. In March 2009 your three siblings Alexa, Jayden and Lilia died shortly after they were born. We never gave up and continued to trust in God. We saw His faithfulness as He blessed us with your 3 brothers Jace, Jaden and Jackson.

Jensen has arrived

Finally our little boy is in our arms. Safe and healthy. Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossible before they were done. And now here is our little blessing. All we have to do is to show him, and the miracle speaks by itself .

Like his older brothers, we've chosen a name that has a significant meaning to us. His name meaning is:

Thankful for miracles

Our new miracle: Jensen
3D face scan at 37 weeks gestational age.
(estimated weight 7lb 7oz)

Years have passed, but I still remember the details, it was early morning, it was light traffic, I tried to get to the hospital as fast as I could. Out of the three babies, only two were still alive. We were moved to the labor room ... inside of me praying. "I know God you can make miracles any moment, I know my Alexa and Jayden will survive and a miracle of faith will give you all the glory..."

While we got inside the room with all the machines, big lamps, and a complete medical staff was waiting for us. I was thinking about miracles, I've praying for a miracle for so long, and now they are here. Two of them still alive and kicking inside mommy's belly. But all the situation around me was pointing that these miracles will be lost very soon, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I pray.

Your due date

Seven years ago today was supposed to be your due date and though things did not turn out the way we had hoped, God has been faithful through these past seven years. We have seen beauty come from the ashes and we have seen prayers answered and miracles unfold.

"You are with me where ever I go, 

you give me this feeling this ever glow. 

The light that you gave me will ever glow."

Your mommy

~ ♥ ~