Ten things bereaved parents fear

(Visiting heavenly siblings)

Today, I came across this well written article. Created by someone that understands how it feels to lose a child. And the impacts from it. I'm adding into the blog some of the main bullets, and a link to her article too. Just in case you want to learn more.

Talking about the fears bereaved parents endure might be eye opening to some people. It was for me, especially when putting a clear name to them. Like all fears, these listed below might appear to look irrational. I know most people in my life do not think these things. As the writer shared, I’m not even sure who is the “you” I am writing to; but have the assurance that it is nobody in particular. Here is the list so you can be better able to help those hurting, and honestly, so you can help me too.

On Your 11th Birthday

(A picture of how our family would have look, 11 years later)

To live ... for few minutes.

Once all the medical complications started to pile up, I reluctantly realized that the time of babies lives was coming to an end. I fought the idea. I prayed. I cried. I refused to accept that we were going to lose all of them. I hoped for a miracle and dreamed for the best, nevertheless my triplets were going to die.

But first, they were going to live! For how long? I didn't know. The doctors told us that they will likely live for only few seconds... Yes, somehow I had to compress all my life hopes and dreams to only few minutes, because I knew that Alexa, Jayden and Lilia were going to die right after their birth. How do you plan a life dream like this? How can I be prepared to be a daddy for only a handful of minutes, and then be ready to say goodbye when I didn't want to?

On Your 10th Birthday

Back in January, Jessica asked me and insisted that I should make one more new video to celebrate the 10th birthday of the triplets. I was very reluctant, because I was done. I thought that had nothing else left, to add, or share. I was depleted of ideas. So, I prayed and then listened to the song that inspired her. She was right, and I started diligently working on it. This new video came out so beautiful. I was beyond blessed while making it. I hope it blesses many others too. The song is a true blessing from above.

Looking back you were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.

Love with no place to go

Most people know that October is breast cancer awareness month, but did you know in 1988 President Reagan designated October as National Pregnancy and Infant Death awareness month?

This has been a taboo that many bereaved parents like us has to deal from time to time. I feel that it is getting better, but still there are people that haven’t heard about it; or still struggle to understand or have compassion to this kind of pain.

On Your Ninth Birthday

Unconditional Love. You'll never fully understand it, until you finally have your first child in your arms. On that very moment you'll understand how it feels to love someone more than yourself with a completely unreserved love that expects nothing in return. The same thing applies to understand the depths of incredibly devastating pain. If you've ever lost a child.

For the few that lived through this, you know how it is to be standing at the edge of end of life. At the chasm of death, stretching your arms, trying to rescue, trying to save, trying to change the course of the terrible reality, knowing very well, that it is beyond our control. I know parents that are still frozen in that moment in space, teetering there, perching in that point in time; unable to do anything else from this overwhelming pain, with so many unanswered questions, still trying to make sense of what happened.

International Bereaved Mother's Day

"A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, 

but by the love that she holds in her heart". 

(Franchesca Cox)

On Your Eighth Birthday

"Sitting silently beside a friend who is hurting may be the best gift we can give" (Author Unknown)

Every day since my first child was born, I have walked through life differently. I thought it was only adversity that could change you, but receiving blessings can too. For all those nights, eight years ago, I wondered, Why do bad things happen to my family?, and now I find myself equally sleepless thinking, Why am I so lucky?...There are many friends who cannot have any children, or some others that struggle with secondary infertility. Why am I blessed with all my amazing kids? What did I do to deserve them?

2013 Children Memorial Service

(This is the outline I read during this year's Children Memorial Service. The audience were all the parents or family members of the children laid to rest in the same cemetery where my triplets are.)

It is very meaningful and emotional to get up here in front of all of you, and be able to share my thoughts four years after I said "goodbye" to my triplets. I know that this tragedy shook me far more than I ever realized or have confessed. 

Especially during those early weeks, questioning God is something I am not proud of; but I did. I did not understand why it happened; I was in total despair and without hope. Particularly after all the prayers that did not get answered the way I wanted it.

Grief is like an amputation

Here is some reading that is very well written and accurate; worth to share:

When talking about a child loss then "amputation" is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is different from the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the severing, and then the relentless pain of the "gone-ness". The countless might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike other pain.

Still

An amazing video worth to include in my blog.

In the video the following words resonate with me: "Thinking about the first smile, the first school day, the first dance, the prom, the wedding.... the grandchild... it's all gone. This is it... We need to make it bold and beautiful!. We are a family, and no one can take that away from us... never." Referring to their child no longer in their arms, but still in their hearts.

Some legacy blessings

Few days ago a grieving parent, Mary Beth Chapman, shared that we will never have the answers; and that we would never be able to understand everything, but this would not prevent us in helping others. Now that I look back I can see some glimpses of the blessings my heavenly children have allowed me to experience or do in their memory.

Let me share some of them.

One of those days ... (Mourning booth video)

Today is one of those days ... that I can feel their presence in a very powerful way.

I know people who haven't lost a baby think that after some time has passed, you just sort of start to "forget" about your baby that has died, because they aren't involved in your every day life anymore.

This is so far from the truth!

On Your Third Birthday

Ir a la versión en español 

"We know there's a day

You'll kiss our tears away

When we are home to stay"

(Anonymous)

There are looks inside the eyes when silence dims the muted cries; the eyes I see that stay with me, those taken by surprise. There have been people whom said very thoughtful things to us. And they have no idea how much we treasured their kindness, gestures, and thoughts deep inside our hearts.

Mommy sees Lilia Ashlyn

The time was right

For the past three years since Lilia's departure, I was the only one whom kept the only picture that the nurses took of our little precious daughter after she was born. I held her tiny body for few minutes, but I also needed to hold Jayden and comfort him. During those moments Jayden was still alive, and something inside of me as a father screamed that I needed to treasure whatever amount of time, minutes, or hours God would give me to spend with him, before he would go to heaven, with his sisters.

Working on 3rd video

When writing on this blog one of my main goals is to share my emotions and important experiences in life. I think most people like bloggers that write frequently. So, sorry if I am a little bit of a slacker on my postings. But I also don't want to overwhelm people with too much writing. To find a balance might be tricky.

As the day of the third anniversary of my triplet’s departure approaches, I'll be sharing more pictures of them in the third (and probably last) video in their memory. Some of those pictures I have not openly shared before. As I work on it, I always try to make them as beautiful as I sense them in my heart. Few days ago, I came across an article about comments made about the Duggar's family heartbreaking experience on their child loss.

I have wings to fly

You gave me wings to fly. I can now jump out of the box, wander around and explore a new world. I can expand my horizons, expand my soul. Now I can see more, I can see my siblings. And I can see you my mommy and daddy from my new home.

You know me and one day you will know me much more, and this is what is clear to me. With your love and faith upon me, the wings grew in my tiny body. With your affection and encouragement, I learned to take leaps up. With your blessings and prayers, I achieved all that I am. And finally, the vast heavens are waiting for me. Yes, I love the deep blue sky, I love the dark green forest, I love the bouquets of white cloud over the hills, I love flowing gold rivers. I love everything that God has created and saved here.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month

This short post is intended to increase awareness of the remembrance designation for the month of October; and in honor of all so many babies, including mine...

On Your Second Birthday

Ir a la versión en español 

Dearest Babies,

Two years have passed after you my little ones: Alexa, Jayden and Lilia, all went together to Heaven. And I am missing you my precious babies. Our hands are heavy with hope.

Triplet's chicks decorated by
Grandma for 2010 Christmas

When I held you at birth I heard the words "it is finished". Yet your life is not finished. All we planned on earth is finished, but all we have planned will one day come true. Yes, when that day comes and I get to see you again in Heaven, is going to be like the first time I met you; and there will be no more goodbyes.

On that day I will be able to open the flood gates of hope inside of me. And all I have planned for you will become true. I'll get to play with you, and kiss you a lot, and laugh with you more deeply than we can now believe; sing with you a new song. You will get to show me sunsets that have been hidden and much more ...

But until that day comes. I'll continue to treasure in my heart our conversations.

Your First Birthday

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes...

My Dearest Babies,

As I write these lines, a year ago you were still living with us. Now I'm getting ready to celebrate your birthday, I wish you were here and not in Heaven. Your first year of life has been full of so many emotions and feelings of all kinds. There were some nights of endless crying; some other nights were I couldn't or didn't want to pray. But many other nights full of joy, contentment and peace. A peace we felt beyond all understanding.

God danced the day you were born. It was too soon for each one of you to be born. We didn't want to lose you. On that day your eyes were still closed and I never got to see the color of your eyes. But now I realize that the moment you opened your eyes for the first time in your life, the first thing you got to see was the face of Jesus.

Overcoming Grief

Triplets footprints

A month ago...

Today, Jessica and I went to visit our babies resting place. We also got the opportunity to select a design for their headstone marker. We experienced that this area of the Cemetery, also known as "Baby Land" looked so beautiful today, with so many colors and decorations, toys, stuffed animals, flowers, pinwheels, etc. When you walk here, you can feel the care, love, pain and sorrow of so many parents that have lost a little one. They are like us, sharing a deep void of losing a child and all the broken dreams that comes with their departure. A month ago Alexa was born yesterday, Jayden and Lilia will be tomorrow.

Now they have spent one month in heaven.

I wonder why there is no word that describes our situation. When we lose our parents, we then become orphans. When a husband dies, then the wife becomes a widow; or widower (in the converse case). But when we lose a child, then there is no adjective that describes this situation.