Twins!

For couples that struggle with fertility, the journey to become parents can be a very difficult roller-coaster experience. After several miscarriages, and losing the triplets, the miracle of having our son it is a blessing beyond anyone can imagine. But in my heart I have this father love, which kept pushing me to trust in God once again (and the same thing was happening to my wife). And try for another child in the midst of what could be almost impossible from the medical point of view.

Unstuck

Last night we went to the first session of a church series named "unstuck". Towards the end of the meeting; the speaker said to all of us to take a moment of silence, and allow ourselves to experience a little bit of God's presence.

I thought; sure, I usually prefer to do this when I'm alone reading His word; or when listening to awesome worship music by myself. But I decided to give it a shot anyway. So, while everyone had their eyes closed; the speaker was instructing: “Imagine yourself far away... You are in the most beautiful beach you've ever imagined. Now, you can feel your toes in the soft sand, and you glaze at the pure crystal waters. As you walk down the seashore all sudden you can feel this beautiful and warm sunlight on your face.”

2013 Children Memorial Service

(This is the outline I read during this year's Children Memorial Service. The audience were all the parents or family members of the children laid to rest in the same cemetery where my triplets are.)

It is very meaningful and emotional to get up here in front of all of you, and be able to share my thoughts four years after I said "goodbye" to my triplets. I know that this tragedy shook me far more than I ever realized or have confessed. 

Especially during those early weeks, questioning God is something I am not proud of; but I did. I did not understand why it happened; I was in total despair and without hope. Particularly after all the prayers that did not get answered the way I wanted it.

Faith

"Through Him all things were made"
(John 1:3)

For those of you that know the Bible; when talking about Abraham and his wife Sarah. I can imagine their community had to think that they were crazy, after all those years, to continue to believe in God's promise of a child. But they refused to give up on believing. And they kept their faith in His word and promises.

The "Mother Glow"

(Our Triplets Angels pendant with their playscape in the background)

Today is August 19th, and some have decided to make it the "Day of Hope" and I like the idea. So, on this day I'm writing a new post in their memory.

Our babies were not a "lost pregnancy" as some have described them. They were not a "sad thing" that happened to us; nor a "tragic circumstance". They are babies, our babies, my babies. Precious human beings.

Soon after their birth a quote came to me that read: "God and Angels danced the day they were born"; but also very important their mommy glowed the day they were born; some people call it "The Mother Glow". It happens to every mother regardless of whether her baby breathes or not. The memory of that beautiful glowing reflection and love that happened since that day is enough evidence for me that they exist.

Grief is like an amputation

Here is some reading that is very well written and accurate; worth to share:

When talking about a child loss then "amputation" is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is different from the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the severing, and then the relentless pain of the "gone-ness". The countless might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike other pain.

On Your Fourth Birthday

Everybody who truly knows us also knows our four children: Alexa, Jayden, Lilia and Jace.

Today my triplets are four years old. Today is also their fourth year living in Heaven. And I wish them to be here and listen their silly dad singing to them ♫Happy Birthday to you ♫♪♫ in Spanish. But I still will go ahead and sing it to them with the help of their mommy and younger brother.

Till I hold you again

Tomorrow, March the 12th, was the day that I met and held for the first time my first daughter Alexa, knowing that her sister Lilia (aka Jacee) already had gone to heaven days earlier, and hoping her brother Jayden would somehow survive. Sometimes, I wish all the triplets would have gone together on the same day. So we could have a single day to remember them together. But instead our experience stretches over a length of 9 days. Lilia went into the arms of Jesus on the 6th, then Alexa on the 12th, and then Jayden on the 14th.

Four years after our goodbye; there have been so many beautiful poems that I have come across, that have inspired me, and I've made references on this blog. But this year I decided to write my first own poem for my triplets. I titled it "Till I hold you again".
I hope you like it...

Still

An amazing video worth to include in my blog.

In the video the following words resonate with me: "Thinking about the first smile, the first school day, the first dance, the prom, the wedding.... the grandchild... it's all gone. This is it... We need to make it bold and beautiful!. We are a family, and no one can take that away from us... never." Referring to their child no longer in their arms, but still in their hearts.

A difficult day

Today was a very difficult day. And Jessica and I felt that we could not write this when the journey began, but now we feel God is asking us to be bold and share what happened. We were having a difficult time telling others, because of how few people had reacted to it in the past. And because we don't want to feel like "poor me". But today, the few handful of people that we started sharing with, have showered us with love, and empathy. So, I realized that there are still people that want to be Jesus hands and feet in other people's lives.

Some legacy blessings

Few days ago a grieving parent, Mary Beth Chapman, shared that we will never have the answers; and that we would never be able to understand everything, but this would not prevent us in helping others. Now that I look back I can see some glimpses of the blessings my heavenly children have allowed me to experience or do in their memory.

Let me share some of them.

Stretching faith

This is a very short post; but with a thought that came to my mind and I want to write it down before I miss its details:

"Sometimes God will give you more that you can handle, 

so that you can learn to rely on Him."

♥

Some of the mean things people told us

Here is a compilation of some of the not-so-good comments we got during our journey of trying to have a child. Some of them were plain rude, others you could potentially argue that they are not too bad, or perhaps the person had good intentions when sharing it, but it came out wrong. Either way here they are. The reason of sharing them is for people to know what not to say. Also, looking back some of them seem very funny, others were upsetting (but we already got over them). Nowadays it is amusing to go back and write about it. Don't worry no names will be mentioned. But here are the comments so other people can avoid making remarks like it, for those that had experienced child loss and/or undergo infertility.

Quote about Baby's Legacy

Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah L. Davis wrote:

"You can be reassured knowing that other parents have survived this journey, discovered its meaning, and eventually acquired a sense of peace. You too can survive - and emerge transformed. This transformation is part of your baby's legacy." 

Mommy on your second anniversary

Ir a la versión en español

There was one person who made me feel safe, whom always understood me, never doubted me, and always supported me. When I was a baby, a sweet comforting voice that did cuddle me till I fell asleep. This person was my mother. She's the one I miss today; she brought me love and endless praise.

Mommy, when I miss you, sometimes I listen to music or look at pictures of you. Not to remind me of you, but to make me feel as if you are still with me. It makes me forget the distance and time that have passed.