 |
| Hi daddy! |
Seven years have passed since I held you in my arms. Every time the month of March approaches it brings back some of the most painful moments of my life but also some of the most beautiful moments of my life. I can feel your love in my life. I can imagine how life could have been too. This picture is a sketch of how I imagine you would look like now. I can close my eyes and dream of you walking through heaven all together. I remember your mommy in those moments when you were born, I remember the broken hope we both had in our eyes when we knew the end of our babies lives was near.
No one prepares you for the terrible task of giving birth to babies that will not go home with you. Why did we have to go through a child-birth? And at the same time we had to endure three child-death back to back without a single one staying alive? So many terrible things happening at once! Weren’t we already in enough emotional pain? How did we survive that? And on top of all that, one of my girls was already stillborn too. Stillborn – what a term. I’ve heard it described by some authors as an “invisible death”. In the Bible, Job describes it as a “hidden untimely birth, as infants that never see the light.” (Job 3:16). Sadly some people see a stillborn to be so much less than a live baby.
I was a childless daddy. No one can prepare you for the baby who never cries. No one can prepare you for the baby who never gets a birth certificate – only a death certificate. And out of three babies I got only 2 death certificates, because my third baby was already dead before birth.
The labor room was quiet, with hushed voices. I began sneaking peeks at the chart to see what they were writing about us, because they were not talking to me. I was in crisis, I was in shock, and I needed somebody to talk to me. But I had to pretend to be strong for my wife. She was the one that had to endure and do all the hard work. It was not fair for me to be weak, when she was strong.
Not only I was in shock but I was frightened. I did not understand why this had to happen to us, after so much work and effort to get to this point, why did we have to lose everything? I’ve learned that mourners are frightened by the intensity of their pain. They need someone to be with them physically and emotionally with a stance that communicates and tells you “I’ll stick with you through this”. But we had to endure it alone for the most part. I had to endure it alone, in that hospital room when they took Jess to the surgery room to save her life, I kept holding the last one of my three babies trying to live, but he was dying in my arms. My american mom was able to turn around and come back before Jayden was born, and she was able to hold him in her arms for few minutes while he was still alive, but she was also so helpless and heartbroken. However it meant a lot to us to have her presence and help.
As years have passed, parents may never get over the scar of losing a baby, but they can heal, rebuild hope, and continue to live a full life in celebration of their loss. After 7 years telling my triplet’s loss story not only continues to help me to heal, but it gives a fulfilled life and death purpose for the lives of my three little angels Alexa, Jayden and Lilia. When loss is a story, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no pressure to move on. There is no shame in intensity or duration. Sadness, regret, confusion, yearning and all the experiences of grief become part of the narrative of our deep and intense love for the one who we lost.
Allowing parents to tell their stories is an important part of the recovery process. But I've learned that the most powerful healing in our recovery is when we start helping others to recover too. Because at the end of the day it is not a story about me or my pain or my children, but it is the story of what God has done and can do, to help, give hope, inspire and encourage others; to transform lives, and see miracles taking place all around us over and over.
So, my precious babies, on this day as I wish and sing to you Happy Heavenly Birthday, I keep my eyes fixed on things from above not on earthly things. I'm beyond blessed to have now my boys alive and well with us, and this surprise baby coming our way too. God is good.
Happy 7th Birthday Alexa, Jayden and Lilia!
With lots of love,
Your daddy.
~ ♥ ~
Angels Fall Down
(from Skillet)
I saw angels fall down
at the glory of the Lord
and as I raise my hands I see
I saw angels fall down
at the glory of the Lord
and as I hit the ground I see
And I fall down
afraid and shaking here
And I fall down
perfectly safe in you
I saw angels fall down
at the glory of the Lord
the hurt and the broken find rest here
I saw angels fall down
at the beauty of the Lord
and as I kneeled I cried to know Him
And I fall down
afraid and shaking here
And I fall down
perfectly safe in here
perfectly safe in here
perfectly safe in here . . .
~ ♥ ~
Click HERE (or on the picture) to watch the song video:
.
No comments:
Post a Comment