Wednesday, March 14, 2018

On Your Ninth Birthday

Unconditional Love. You'll never fully understand it, until you finally have your first child in your arms. On that very moment you'll understand how it feels to love someone more than yourself with a completely unreserved love that expects nothing in return. The same thing applies to understand the depths of incredibly devastating pain. If you've ever lost a child.

For the few that lived through this, you know how it is to be standing at the edge of end of life. At the chasm of death, stretching your arms, trying to rescue, trying to save, trying to change the course of the terrible reality, knowing very well, that it is beyond our control. I know parents that are still frozen in that moment in space, teetering there, perching in that point in time; unable to do anything else from this overwhelming pain, with so many unanswered questions, still trying to make sense of what happened.

This verse has kept coming back to me this year:

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
(Psalm 23:1-4)

As years continue to pass, taking me farther away from the day I endured the pain of losing them, it is also taking me closer to the day I'll meet them again. One writer shared that when a parent is going through that terrible experience, there is nothing  ̶  absolutely nothing  ̶  you can tell to provide comfort; however your presence is the most powerful help. Especially during the first initial few weeks, because the death of a child is not part of God's plan, but rather part of the terrible outcome of living in a fallen world, where the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)

I knew God was there, nine years ago, in the most painful moment when my children took their last breath, He was there grieving with me and experiencing the pain. He understands our questioning, and our hurts. It was never His plan that none of my kids would suffer and never make it. But out of this tragedy He did miracles, He gave us life, a very abundant new life. He made beauty out of ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

And that is what the Psalmist verses states very well. I would have never understood them to this level of depth, until I experienced Him holding our hands at the darkest hour, and giving us the strength minute by minute, day by day, week by week, until we crossed the darkest valley.

This is now 9 years later, looking back the power of love hasn't changed a bit. Every time I look at the calendar and see that the month of march is imminent, there is this feeling now very familiar within my soul. I know it is a tough time of the year for Jessica. And we are reminded of the unexpectedly shattered beauty that lived for few minutes in our arms, but lost forever in this life. So, these few days are very challenging for us. The events that took place during those few days nine years ago are so painful that when I think back about them it literally takes our breath away.

There are many details that I treasure in my heart and have not shared, and some that Jess still cannot even ask me about yet. I write this post not to have people feel sorry for me because that is not what I want. I write this asking those that know us to please to give us grace in those moments when we post about our triplets more than we usually do. I know that some people might get tired or think that after almost ten years we should get over it; but my apologies if that bothers you. Please just move on and ignore me, it’s not my intention to burden anyone. But rather it is my burst of love for my little babies in heaven that I can't see and love, specially today. A love I cannot contain until the day I see them again. There will be those moments when the tears come out of nowhere, and when the anxiety and panic attacks come. If my family comes to your mind during these days please say a prayer for us. That is all we ask.

So, on this day I want to wish my three little ones a happy heavenly 9th birthday, and I hope our love reaches out to you my beautiful Alexa, Jayden and Lilia. We’ll continue to lean on God’s love and comforts, that has been our source of strength and hope.

I miss you and I will always love you,
Your daddy.

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