Sunday, March 15, 2009

From Mother to Heaven

Jess holding Alexa
This is how our triplet's good-bye was:

Wednesday morning around 6:25am I get a call from Jess. "The water broke!" my heart dropped to the floor. I quickly got up, grab a coat and rushed to the hospital. When I got there, they were transferring her to the labor area. I held her hand all the way into the labor room. There, we spent the next hours dealing with contractions. They did ultrasounds and it showed that both (the baby boy and the baby girl) were still well and alive. We were hoping that the contractions would stop. Unfortunately, by 10pm she started going into labor. My baby girl was already in her mother's birth canal. My "American" mom and "American" sister came to be with us during this hard time. I don't think we couldn't have done it without them. They coached Jess breathing and pushing during labor.

At 12:22am Alexa was born. I got to hold her, and brought her to her mom. Few minutes later, she was crossing the gates of heaven. Her entire life on this earth only lasted few seconds, and her daddy hold her for most of it. My dream to one day walk her down the aisle on her wedding day is now forever gone. From time to time, I wonder what are the color of her eyes, I'm sure when I see them they will be the most beautiful eyes ever. They could be the mix of Jess and mine.

The next step was to stay pregnant, the good news is that the cervix appeared to have closed, and contractions stopped. We have lost two baby girls, few days apart. Our goal now is to hold the remaining baby boy in there for at least 5 more weeks. And at the same time, make sure that no infection will take place.

There was still hope.

Alexa holding his mommy and daddy's fingers
A couple days later; on Friday, when I was taking care of Jessica I noticed something wrong. I called the nurse, and she went out and called the resident doctor. The doctor saw it, and ran to get the main doctor. Then the main doctor called the OB section doctor, whom performed an inspection on her, and gave us an awful look. They run some blood test. They called our main OB doctor. In a matter of minutes the room was swarmed with doctors. And our main OB doctor with a heavy heart gave us the news that an infection has taken place and was no longer under control (they've been pumping the strongest antibiotics into her IVs). We had two choices: continue the pregnancy with the high risk of Jessica getting very ill, threatening her life and the probability that she will not be able to hold the baby enough time to make it; or to terminate the pregnancy and save her life, and regain control over the infection.

Jessica told me with tears running down her face "I can't go any longer, my body is so weak, I can't go one more day". Her fever and tender belly told me that I had to listen to all the team of doctor's advice against my dream to be a father. Jessica life was depending on it. But I didn't want to lose my last baby boy.

I had to let go my dream to be a dad. My hope is now gone, brokenhearted and ripped out of my hands.

God, you must understand me, you lost your son too... Now, I have a small idea of the untold pain from God when He had to see His only son dying on the cross.

Alexa waving goodbye
So, with the pastor, family, and friends praying around us. I went Jayden, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I love you, I will miss you, I'm so sorry…"
to the bed were Jessica was laying, and received the pills (to induce labor) from the nurse, and started giving the medication to start the process. It was around 7:30pm. With so much heartache, pain, sorrow and sobbing I kept saying "

Around midnight, Jessica's pain increased, and contractions were happening every 3 minutes. She kept asking for more pain medications, and the doctors will give has only up the safe limit, so she had to endure some of the pain on her own. I wish I could take some of it on me. Finally at 1:21am Jayden Miguel was born. I reached out for his hand immediately, and he didn't recognize my touch at first. But then, I kept talking to him, and he would feel relax every time I held his hand, I can see the difference that very quick he realized and felt how much I love him. He would squeeze my fingers, so gentle and fragile. Few minutes later, Lilia Ashlyn (aka Jacee) was stillborn, and I got to hold her still body for few minutes.

Around 2:50am Jessica had bleed so much that she started looking too fragile. All sudden she became pale; her blood pressure dropped dangerously low. The machine started beeping. The doctors, checked for her vitals, and all sudden we have a new terrible emergency: the placenta was still inside and is not detaching. Blood kept gushing out, and the bleeding is not stopping. The O.R. team is rushed into the room; the anesthesiologist was concern about her vital signs state and started giving instructions to the nurses about an alternative method to put Jessica to sleep without danger. At this point Jess, half way weak starts crying: "I'm dying! I'm dying!" and I try to console her, and give her the assurance that she was in good hands (In God's hands). Running down the O.R. room, I kept telling her that "I love you, I love you...". Inside of me I was scared that this was my last chance to tell her "I love you"

Her blood levels have gone down to 4.9 (minimum low is 8.0), they determined she has lost around 50% of her blood. They gave her 2 blood transfers. Now, I was there in the middle of the empty labor room, holding my dying little boy Jayden. And my American mom was trying to give me comforts in the midst of this tragedy.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? 
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?"
(Psalm 22:1)

Holding our boy Jayden
Jayden wanted to live so hard. I held him for as long as he was alive on this earth. Every time I held his tiny hand, he would feel comfort. I would wet with water his lips with my finger. At almost 19weeks, a baby has not developed his lungs. And here I could painfully see him trying to breathe so hard. I would constantly tell him that I love him, that everything will be okay soon. I realized that I needed to work on myself too: I needed to learn to let him go. But as a new daddy I could not let him go.

Jayden lived in my arms for five hours and a half.

I was in an empty room holding my dying baby boy and hoping that Jessica's life would be spared. This has been my uttermost excruciating painful moment of my life.

The only thing I could do was to love my child. And I did. From the deepest places of my soul I sang lullabies, whispered into his ears, kissed him, and cuddled him with all my love. I hope he heard my cry, my love, and how much he means to me.

Around 4am Jessica came back from the surgery, it was a success. They were able to perform a D&C without complications. The placenta was removed, infection was contained, and the bleeding stopped. They had to transfer into her over 4 units of blood to recover her blood levels. The next few hours were constant monitoring of vital signs, her fever, and her blood pressure. Her kidneys had stopped working, but after several hours they were able to get them to re-start functioning again. She had tubes going into her body, for oxygen, two IV's, heart rate probes, blood pressure sensor, body temperature sensors, etc.

A lot of people came the entire day, giving us love, encouragement, company and distraction in these tempestuous moments of our lives. We give our deepest thanks to all of them.

I love you my dearest babies Alexa, Jayden and Lilia,
Your Daddy

~ ♥ ~

6 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss this has touched my heart for you!!!

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    1. Thank you for your note. You indeed have a kind and tender heart.

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  2. Que o nosso bom Deus acalme os vossos corações, creia que existe um propósito em tudo que provem do Senhor.
    Saiba que Ele te ama e trará alivio para sua dor
    Eu sei o que é perder um filho. É uma dor inconsolável.
    Que Deus abençoe a todos.

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    1. I'm sorry about your son loss too. God bless you.

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  3. The reunion day in Heaven is going to be a beautiful day ...

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  4. You guys are such amazing people and the strength and faith you have maintained throughout life's most difficult times is so inspiring. You are both such an inspiration, please know how many people love you guys and support you. May God bring you comfort today and everyday. God has plans greater and bigger than your own.

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