Saturday, January 5, 2013

Some of the mean things people told us

Here is a compilation of some of the not-so-good comments we got during our journey of trying to have a child. Some of them were plain rude, others you could potentially argue that they are not too bad, or perhaps the person had good intentions when sharing it, but it came out wrong. Either way here they are. The reason of sharing them is for people to know what not to say. Also, looking back some of them seem very funny, others were upsetting (but we already got over them). Nowadays it is amusing to go back and write about it. Don't worry no names will be mentioned. But here are the comments so other people can avoid making remarks like it, for those that had experienced child loss and/or undergo infertility.

After we lost our triplets we got comments like (this group has the most upsetting ones):
- "This is God's way to tell you that you weren't meant to be a mother (or father)"
- "You would never be able to afford raising triplets anyway"
- "At least you didn't have to change their diapers"
- "Get over it, ... they are dead"
- "You are weird. Why do you go to their grave, and decorate it?"
- "What is stillborn?"

While trying to get pregnant someone said: "I'm glad I don't have infertility issues like that!"

After some of the miscarriages:
- "Oh, you can just try again. It is easy and simple" (they don't understand what infertility means)
- "Oh, go to the mountains and you'll be able to get pregnant"
- "Have sex" (really, this one cracked me up. We thought: Yeah thanks, we didn't know that!; we could have saved lots of money if we knew that's how babies are conceived)

Also, while praying during one of the pregnancies one person said: "I pray that your babies go to Heaven". (Jess could not believe that this lady just said that. So, obviously we never asked her to join us in prayers). Another person said: "You're stupid for trying again"

After we finally got our miracle boy some people said: 
- "Invitro babies are not real babies" (I should tell them now, yeah the little one running around is just an imaginary child in my head)

Other comments were:
- "You are lucky to lay in bed-rest for a long time"
- "You can't share your testimony it is too long"
- "Was your son conceived naturally?"
"You have a son, stop missing your triplets!"

And when we had some frozen embryos left; and like many other parents, just because you have a child it doesn't mean that you should not be allowed to love to have the desire for another child, if possible. So, when we shared that we will try again, and hope that God would bless us with another child. Some people said:
- "Why do you want more children?"
- "You already have a kid, why more?"

If you really feel the need to say something, simply say: "I'm sorry about your loss", or "I'll pray for you". Otherwise it would be better to say nothing or better yet just be there near those that are heartbroken and have endure a massive gaping wound in our hearts.

Now, I wonder if any of you have received more interesting comments like it?


  1. I can not believe people can be so rude and heartless! Brings tears to my eyes!

    Luis, i just want you and your wife to know that your family is in my familys prayers! I found out about your family by my friend Lesleigh Tuttamore on facebook. ♥ God Bless

  2. I once had a woman tell me that my beautiful son was an abomination because he was conceived using IVF. That only God controls those things and we were messing with God's plan.

    Some people just have no filter on their "stupidity" fountain, so it all just comes pouring out.

    1. Wow. Yes, it shows ignorance on their part. We have discovered that God is still in control even for IVF babies. Without him the miracle of a new life cannot happen. The doctors cannot create life, they simply do the same process outside the womb, and as you know, everything else is in God's hands. I'm happy that you were successful in having a son from IVF. I'm sure he is a blessing to you guys. Cheers!

  3. People can be hateful, ignorant, and disgusting. My daughter is adopted, and some people can't get past the fact that she is a different race from me. Her big sister is up in heaven, we chose adoption for our second child because doctors told me that trying for another biological baby would almost certainly fail and could even cause my passing if I did get pregnant. People ask if I love K (big sister in heaven) more because she was biological and C (our earthly daughter) wasn't "really" our child. I do not love them any differently, it disgusts me to think that people look down on her because she isn't biologically mine. Once someone asked C why her "real" mommy didn't want her. I am praying for your family and that God will help cure the world of this nasty disease called ignorance.

    1. Yes, ignorance is not good. And I'm happy about your child. Some of them will grow in your belly (biological) but others get to grow in your heart (adopted). Either way, they are your child. Don't worry about what people say. Although we both would agree that when they make those comments it will still hurt. We can pass that and look at our children and see real love.

  4. Luis, I am reading your blog for the first time and grieving the loss of your babies. As a Labor and Delivery nurse now for many years, I want you to know that we also grieve the loss of each baby who does not survive and feel nothing but sorrow for your loss. No recriminations, no "have another baby", just sadness that this baby, this child has been lost. I want to take the best care of each mother, each father who comes to the hospital and offer only support. While I am delighted that you have gone on to have a family here, to love and watch grow, that never diminishes the losses you and your wife have have had. Best wishes to you all.

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience from the point of view as a nurse. Yes, I was able to sense that pain also from caring nurses like yourself during our difficult times. Thanks again.

    2. That's very kind. When my mom lost my sister, she never forgot how kind the nurses were. That was over twenty years ago and she still remembers