Every day since my first child was born, I have walked through life differently. I thought it was only adversity that could change you, but receiving blessings can too. For all those nights, eight years ago, I wondered, Why do bad things happen to my family?, and now I find myself equally sleepless thinking, Why am I so lucky?...There are many friends who cannot have any children, or some others that struggle with secondary infertility. Why am I blessed with all my amazing kids? What did I do to deserve them?
Along with the gratitude I feel for the privilege of holding a baby after loss, I have also experienced guilt: I know there are many others who are forced to move on without a rainbow baby. The reality is that there is no rational explanation to life and death or pregnancy and birth, it is all beyond our control. All we have are our desires, our hopes and dreams along with our ability to cope when life doesn’t bring us what we think it will. After experiencing both joy and loss, I'm grateful that in the entire journey I've felt God's presence and comfort during the good and bad times. Because he knew the final outcome, I didn't.
"Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written
in your book before one of them came to be."
I well understand how loss can make us stronger, but also my boys have taught me that when joy happens ― when our most fervent hope comes to fruition, we must stop and savor and smell the roses too.
Conversely, I can't stop grieving my children that I never got to keep in this world, not because I want to, but because they are a deep part of my life, it is who I am, without them I would be incomplete; regardless of the little ones I have now in my arms.
Occasionally I creep back into the infertility circles of people I know or groups I belong, and cry every now and then, sometimes I let people know I am there for them, and other times I do it quietly, and listen, and relate to their pain and frustrations.
If you had experience this, I think eventually we can discover a very unique gift: that with our experience we can witness to many; and we can talk with many who are in hopes of one day having a family; or find a way out in their hopeless predicament. I know without a doubt that the most powerful example we can give is to show others what God has done in our lives. Many have showed me their gratitude as they read or heard our story, because they realized that they are not alone, and more important, that there will always be hope as long as we have another breath, until the day we are called back home.
And now this is for you my precious children in heaven:
Happy Eighth Heavenly Birthday my precious babies,
With all my love,
~ ♥ ~
"The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye,
... but felt by the heart" (Author Unknown)