Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A difficult day

Today was a very difficult day. And Jessica and I felt that we could not write this when the journey began, but now we feel God is asking us to be bold and share what happened. We were having a difficult time telling others, because of how few people had reacted to it in the past. And because we don't want to feel like "poor me". But today, the few handful of people that we started sharing with, have showered us with love, and empathy. So, I realized that there are still people that want to be Jesus hands and feet in other people's lives.

We feel guilty that we didn't share our struggle. In part for the reason above. But also, because we don't want to become anyone's burden in their prayers or worries. We've have been in this life long enough to know without a doubt that nobody in this life is exempt of having their own struggles. And for each of us those struggles seem so difficult, especially while we are in the middle of the storm.

Last September we decided to try once again the difficult journey to have one more child. And we have met so many parents in the same position like us. So, we try to encourage them at the same time that we started our second invitro cycle.

For some reason, it looks like the biggest dreams of your life, are always the ones that the enemy makes it as difficult and painful as it can be. For us, we are not asking to be rich, or have a mansion, or fame, or luxury cars, nor have a huge family. Our hearts have this deep desire to have two children at the most. (Although years ago Jess told me that she wanted around six, and I wanted three at the most). But after all this emotional and physical journey, we discovered that Jace is huge miracle. And if God would bless us with another one, it would be another miracle too. That's all. Because for God, nothing is impossible.

The doctors were careful to avoid a hyper-stimulation on her, because it happened on the first cycle. So, this time they were able to extract from her 25 eggs, of which 21 did successfully fertilize. That night, Jess was having breathing pains, so I took her to the ER. I'm glad that we did that because she was hospitalized the following 3 days, and had to have a blood transfer, since she had an internal bleeding.

When she was released, her body was ready to try the embryo transfer. But the doctors were cautions and recommended to transfer only one embryo. We agreed.

Sadly a couple weeks later, the test came back negative. So, in the middle of hurt, we know that in all things God works good for those who love him.

Out of the remaining 20, only 12 were good enough to be frozen.

For the past two weeks, Jessica has been getting the injections to prepare her body, for another attempt to hopefully get pregnant. Today, we were really excited that a new journey would start, once they transfer a couple embryos into her womb.

So, my "mom" came from Flint to watch Jace; and an amazing friend called us on the phone to pray, as we were driving to the clinic. After we arrived, we signed in, and waited to be called. Then we were moved to a pre-surgery room. And we wondered, why this room? Minutes later the main doctor came in, and shared: "I have bad news"

Jessica and I holding tight hands, listened to the news. "... None of your embryos survived. We are monitoring 9 of them in the incubator, to see if there is any change of status, but it would be a miracle..."

Then later in the afternoon, around the time that the clinic closes for the day, I assume it was the same time that they turned off the incubator on our non-viable embryos. Because when I looked outside our home, I could see exactly the same snow fall that happened on the day of our triplets funeral. This gentle beautiful snow fall that is very unique to them.

Although we never got to meet each one of them, as their parents we were already in love with them. So, I stood by the window looking out, watching the few little snow flakes fall slowly to the ground. It was a confirmation that my little ones have entered Heaven, and now meeting their siblings, my mother, and our Creator too.

I called the clinic to confirm my fears: none of them survived.

Even through this sad news, we know that God is faithful, and something good would one day come out of this. Because Jace is a testament of this. When we got home, we hugged him very tight into our arms. We have no regrets; we don’t know what the future holds, but that God holds the future within his hands.

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