Thursday, March 14, 2013

On Your Fourth Birthday

Everybody who truly knows us also knows our four children: Alexa, Jayden, Lilia and Jace.

Today my triplets are four years old. Today is also their fourth year living in Heaven. And I wish them to be here and listen their silly dad singing to them ♫Happy Birthday to you ♫♪♫ in Spanish. But I still will go ahead and sing it to them with the help of their mommy and younger brother.

As time goes on, sometimes people, or even ourselves, would somehow say: "get over it!" But they are my children; I will never get over it. Love knows no boundaries. The reason of why love stories never end is because true love has no end.

Every child is a gift to the parents and to the family. And so, when my babies went to heaven, it seemed like I had to give up these gifts from above.

I can experience that every new day is a gift when I see my son growing up, and the different things he does that he didn't do the day before. I never got to experience this with my triplets. But their memories are the precious gifts of the heart. All these memories and whispers have helped us to discover this sense of inner peace, and closeness that will never be forgotten in my soul.

Recently, when cleaning up my little boy's tiny finger prints off the glass table and from the mirrors was a joy for me. Then I pondered; I wish I ever had the chance at least once be able to do the same for my triplets... A friend told me once: "when I see your deep father's love and incredible emotion for your babies, I admire it, and it makes me think if their dad is like that about them, how much more their mommy feels about them". My friend is right. Their mommy's love for them is huge. Our love for them is greater than the remoteness distance from here to heaven. If love is an ocean then we are all drowning in it.

Looking back on each day we said goodbye; this picture captures us holding them one by one, as they were entering the gates of heaven:

Every time I look back at those hours it was so difficult and painful. I felt so powerless, and I had to completely rely on God's comforts. And He got us through... One awesome day out of these ashes beauty  will rise.

I need to clarify something on the picture collage above: Jess did not get the chance see Lilia in person (per the nurse's recommendation), also because they had to rush Jess to the operating room to save her life. Since we never got the chance to have a picture with Lilia; as we did with Alexa and Jayden; then I was able to recreate us holding her with the help of one of the pictures of her little brother Jayden.

The Strength You Gave Me

They tell me it's amazing how I've stayed so strong,

but they don't see how I cry when I hear your song,
they see the smile on my face but miss the hurt in my eye,
I would rather seem serious than let them see me cry,
I put on this front as I don't want the world to see,
the pain and sorrow so deep inside me

I don't act this way cause I'm not ashamed to feel the way I do,
I act this way in honor of all of you,
because although I hurt right now and my heart is broken,
I can't help but feel pride and love when your names are spoken,
my strength comes from above and the love you gave to me,
and it's that strength I want the world to see.

I will always love and miss you Alexa, Jayden and Lilia,
that I will never hide,
and when people ask me about my babies,
they will always see my pride,
you were so precious and your memory will always live on,
I'll never be sad that I had you; but only that you are gone.

My tears are not a sign of my weakness,
they are a sign of the love I have inside,
they will always fall down my cheeks
when I think of you with pride,
they say it takes a real man to admit when he is sad,
but how can I be sad when I look at the children that I had,
I will always have the memories of my little ones,
and you will always be my world.

Alexa, Jayden and Lilia always remember you gave me this strength and that,
you will always be your daddies little ones!!!

(Original Poem By Daniel Kerr)

Fathers are expected to be strong for their wives, to be the "rock" in the family. All too often fathers are considered to be the ones who should attend to the practical but not the emotional aspects surrounding the death; they are expected to be the ones who should not let emotions show or tears fall outwardly, the ones who will not and should not fall apart. Men are often asked how their wives are doing, but not asked how they are doing. Such expectations place an unmanageable burden on men and deprive them of their rightful and urgent need to grieve. I'm blessed that my beautiful wife allowed me to grief too. This has been one of the greatest gifts we have given each other.

They lived only for few minutes but they changed our lives forever...

Everybody who truly knows us also knows our four children.

~ ♥ ~
Happy 4th Birthday my little ones!
Daddy will always love you.
Feliz CumpleaƱos.
Till We Meet Again...
~ ♥ ~


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