(This is the outline I read during this year's Children Memorial Service. The audience were all the parents or family members of the children laid to rest in the same cemetery where my triplets are.)
It is very meaningful and emotional to get up here in front of all of you, and be able to share my thoughts four years after I said "goodbye" to my triplets. I know that this tragedy shook me far more than I ever realized or have confessed.
Especially during those early weeks, questioning God is something I am not proud of; but I did. I did not understand why it happened; I was in total despair and without hope. Particularly after all the prayers that did not get answered the way I wanted it.
Now I know that He understood all the pain and frustrations we had to endure. He is God; He can see your pain, in your heart and soul; like nobody else.
For many, this kind of experience is enough to shake the faith out of you, right?
Let me reveal what happened to me, in this journey. Deep inside, while still trying to understand my grief and loss, my faith and trust in Him grew deeper.
I've heard so many sermons on faith; also I have so many conversations about faith from others who have different beliefs, or no faith at all. But at the end of the day, it comes down to my personal relationship with God. That's why I ran right back to Him, even in the midst of questioning all this hurt.
That is the only place where I truly find comfort, peace and hope.
I don’t know why I have to live without my children, or the unanswered prayers. But through the storm He carried me tightly in His arms, and in His perfect time He gave me a miracle: my little son.
Now I understand that I need God and my faith more than ever. Without it I would not have survived. Faith has given me the strength to persevere through the adversities and struggles until the day I'll reunite with them.
And so, I can live knowing one day I will see all my babies again.
Yes, it will literally be Heaven!
I'll always love you Alexa, Jayden and Lilia;