On Your Fifth Birthday

Three names that mean the whole world to me: Alexa, Jayden and Lilia.

As your fifth birthday has arrived, I've written these lines to share how much your daddy loves you, and deeply misses you. During these moments God perhaps has already shared with you, or given you a glimpse of the joyful happenings of your mommy, daddy and younger brother Jace down here on earth.

God is sending us two new miracle babies: Jaden and Jackson. Your two new brothers are a proof of His love promise and that by faith we are praying they will be born few weeks from now, strong, and healthy. Beating all the odds against them.

A month ago, your mother was admitted in the hospital to be on bed rest, to keep safe the babies inside her womb. And every night when I went to visit her, I walked by two different rooms that hold a special place in my heart. The first room is the place where your mommy spent several weeks trying to save your lives; and the second room, is in the labor area, a place where all three of you were born and I got to hold you in my arms for the first-and-last time on this earth.

On this day I have a mixture of emotions that I don't know how to describe to the fullest, because on these anniversary days that you were born I'm happy that it was the days you entered Heaven and God held you in His arms for the first time to be safe forever. But also it was the saddest day of my life, because I had to let you go too soon.

Many people have told us of how amazing has been to see us during this journey. In the middle of anguish and loss we decided to stay firm on trusting Him, even when the pain was unbearable, and we could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that what the enemy meant for destruction, God has transformed it into a joyful hope. And I'm happy for that, but I won't lie to you or God. He knows that it was an experience that we desperately wanted to never endure. An experience that we went through kicking and crying, begging to avoid by any means. On the other hand, after the storm, we've meet so many other parents that have faced a child loss too. Our grief and pain has enabled us to understand them to the fullest, and listen to them, and help them as much as we can. And I don't claim any credit of strength of my own. When I look back I can see that it was God's strength that got us through the storm, one day at a time.

If it all had been up to me, I would have preferred to have a life as most people do, to be like anyone else, without a heart-breaking goodbye. And most important be able to have all of you on my lap today, to sing to you Happy 5th Birthday, and live life together here on earth.

So, each time at the hospital when I went pass those rooms, it was a reminder of how grateful I am to God for the children that He has given us after you. They are our "rainbow babies". I will never take any of them for granted. They are truly miracles and a testament of His promises and love. Very often I find myself looking into my boy's eyes and wondering about you. Trying to imagine that I'm looking into your eyes too. I enormously miss you, especially today.

Only your mommy has an idea of how much I love you, but truly only God knows to the fullest of my love for you. In few weeks, when the time comes of the day that the twins are to be born, is going to be very joyful, emotional and full of celebration. I know that God, your mommy, you, me and the angels will dance on that day.

My dear Alexa, you are my first daughter, please know without any doubt that you will be always my darling princess. One day I will be able to place a pink bow on your beautiful hair, look into your eyes and dance for Him for as long as you want to dance with your daddy. I will not stop dancing with you. You lived for only one minute but my life was changed forever.

My first son Jayden, during those hours that I held you in my arms, while you were still alive, you taught me how to be strong and never quit. That dreadful night has given me the resolution as a dad to never give up for your three younger brothers. Your name meaning is so significant, that one of the twins will have a name similar to yours. I'm glad God gave us time long enough for me to tell you how much I love you, until you left me and went to heaven.

My precious Lilia, I don't know why, but I see you as my little fun, playful cute and full of life daughter. I picture you and hear in my mind your happy and delightful giggles. Your little cute button nose and perfect lips are engraved in my memories. I will always remember the few seconds I held your lifeless tiny body in my arms. On the day I see you again and I will not stop hugging and kissing you, my little sweet baby angel.

Today I deeply wish all of you a Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven. The following poem reminds me of the moments that one by one each of you, I had to let go, and you went to Heaven:

"Today I Dreamed"

Today I dreamed I let you go

as if you were a kite;

I let it go and go and go

until it flew out of sight.

Today I dreamed I let you go

as though I flew a kite;

I let it go and go and go,

it disappeared into the night.

Today I dreamed I let you go

as I once flew a kite;

I know you did go and go

to fly into the brightest light.

Today I dreamed that I did go

as I once flew a kite,

and when I fly and go and go

I meet you in the light.

With love,

             your Daddy.

~ ♥ ~

To other bereaved parents:

Our reflection to share is that the grief pain will never be completely gone, scars will remain. New happiness and joy will eventually flow into your life. On the first day that you find yourself smiling again, don’t feel bad or think that you’ve betrayed your love one. It is a sign that Love from above is putting the pieces together again. Grief is is like an amputation, although it heals a missing part is real and gone; only until the day that the wonderful reunion takes place, the void will be always there. We will never be able to go back to the previous "normal", but a new "normal" has been set in place, with a peace that goes beyond all understanding. Still when those special days come, a parent’s grief must be able to run free and not be restricted. We can share that the sob and tears during this times have helped us into the mending of our hearts. It is like purifying our bodies. The sorrow is no longer preventing us to function normally, our lives do continue, but we love to celebrate our children memories.

No matter what, they were, are, and always be our children. Nothing will never change that.

~ ♥ ~

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