Looking back you were unsure which pain is worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.
Ten years have passed, and I can see how much God has worked to heal and mend what was broken... I still remember few months after my triplets have died, the one day I laughed for the first time. That day I caught myself smiling and realized what I just did. I felt like I was the worst father in the entire universe. How would I dare to be happy after losing all my children? I felt like I had betrayed them and that I didn’t love them. Grief is so hard to describe.
When I started writing this blog many years ago, I wanted to journal the exciting news of having multiple children, but I had no idea of what was going to happen. And then the storm came. I tried my best to put into words our feelings, thoughts and prayers. Sometimes post came to life from ideas inspired by other people, very worth to re-share; and other times thoughts came on their own. But words fall short in moments like these, when the pain is so intense that you fall on your knees, and don't know anything else to do, but just cry.
Now, ten years later, some of you may be in the same place as me, being content with the new chapter of life that was not of our choosing. Others might still need more healing time. But after all these years, under the constant, never ending, overflowing blessings, grace and love, from our heavenly father we can finally say "it is well with my soul". Although our pain is not gone forever, it remains as a beautiful reminder of our heavenly children. I can sense God reaching out from his throne and whispering in my soul these words:
"Let your heart beat again,
Close your eyes and breathe it in,
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace.
I'm making everything new.
And one day we'll be together again.
I have healed you, all you need to do
is to finally let your heart beat again."
After I finished the video, the song that inspired the whole work, is a song that reveals how God has always been there, comforting, healing and restoring what was broken. If my babies could talk to me, they might tell me: "daddy, we're in the most beautiful and amazing place. It is okay to smile and laugh again. You don't need to be sad anymore. God understands your grief and pain. He is the great physician, that has been working day and night into yours and mommy's broken hearts."
With God's love, it is time that helps us to gain strength that is greater or stronger than the strength of grief itself. As I mentioned earlier, some of you still need more time, and you are not ready yet. Your pain might still need more healing, and deep need of His works. But one day you will be ready to let your heart beat again.
Happy 10th Heavenly Birthday my precious babies Alexa, Jayden and Lilia!
I will always love you, as I do to all your brothers too.