Heavenly Snow

Thoughts from the funeral day

The weather forecast for that day was 50-degree weather. I was glad that the temperature would not be too cold for my family to come with us to bury our little babies' temporary bodies, because I know they have new ones in heaven.

Last Saturday is a day I'll keep close to my heart. During the service, right after I finished giving my tribute to them, I went and sat down next to Jessica, holding her close to me. Then my sister leaned to me and whispered: "the babies are talking back to you now" and with teary eyes she pointed out the windows of the church... It was like tiny angel feathers, slowly falling out of the sky.

Empty Arms

My hand holding Alexa's hand

Everything we planned on earth is gone to heaven

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children 

in my name, welcomes me" - Jesus
(Mark 9:37)

Babies are not supposed to die. Alexa Liliana, Jayden Miguel and Lilia Ashlyn in only few days apart went all together from mother to heaven. I feel so empty, my heart so heavy, instead to be planning celebrations, now I'm getting ready to plan a funeral the best I can do for my little ones. I never got to hear their voices to sing "Jesus loves me", or "my hope is in the Lord". All these months full of joy have come crashing down, plagued with so many complications with a pregnancy of multiples.

Usually you only hear the happy ending stories, and very seldom the sad ones.

You'll be the judge for this one.

From Mother to Heaven

Jess holding Alexa

This is how our triplet's good-bye was:

Wednesday morning around 6:25am I get a call from Jess. "The water broke!" my heart dropped to the floor. I quickly got up, grab a coat and rushed to the hospital. When I got there, they were transferring her to the labor area. I held her hand all the way into the labor room. There, we spent the next hours dealing with contractions. They did ultrasounds and it showed that both (the baby boy and the baby girl) were still well and alive. We were hoping that the contractions would stop. Unfortunately, by 10pm she started going into labor. My baby girl was already in her mother's birth canal. My "American" mom and "American" sister came to be with us during this hard time. I don't think we couldn't have done it without them. They coached Jess breathing and pushing during labor.

At 12:22am Alexa was born. I got to hold her, and brought her to her mom. Few minutes later, she was crossing the gates of heaven. Her entire life on this earth only lasted few seconds, and her daddy hold her for most of it. My dream to one day walk her down the aisle on her wedding day is now forever gone. From time to time, I wonder what are the color of her eyes, I'm sure when I see them they will be the most beautiful eyes ever. They could be the mix of Jess and mine.

The next step was to stay pregnant, the good news is that the cervix appeared to have closed, and contractions stopped. We have lost two baby girls, few days apart. Our goal now is to hold the remaining baby boy in there for at least 5 more weeks. And at the same time, make sure that no infection will take place.

There was still hope.

Healer is home

Lilia Ashlyn (aka Jacee)

(I know that there is this frequent question about why the name on the baby grave reads "Jacee", but we call the baby "Lilia". If you read at the end of this post it will explained why.)

Since the moment that we found that baby "B" had problems it was the beginning for us to understand that the days of us sharing with her presence, were counted. It was a matter of time for when it would happen. Few weeks ago we thought that that the baby was a boy (via ultrasounds). Every time an ultrasound occurred we had the opportunity to see her moving around and kicking back and forth with his sister and her brother. They had a lot of fun playing tag with each other inside mommy's womb, I would say.

Although we were prepared to know that the baby was not going to make it, it still doesn't prepare you for the moment when you hear it, that she has passed away.

Seven more weeks . . .

Week 17

Waiting for time to go fast.

There is this four-letter word that we all hate:  "W-A-I-T"

Even when we're a child, if we don't get it our way quickly then we cry and scream as hard as we can, until the desire is meet. The sooner the better! We love the microwave; I mean you get instant food real quick. Or we like to go to the fast-food trough the drive-thru and in few seconds we get the food we ordered. You expect that everything in life should get to you almost at the same time that you think about it.

I've been waiting to be a parent for almost two decades.