Monday, March 16, 2009

Empty Arms

My hand holding Alexa's hand
Everything we planned on earth is gone to heaven

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children 
in my name, welcomes me" - Jesus
(Mark 9:37)

Babies are not supposed to die. Alexa Liliana, Jayden Miguel and Lilia Ashlyn in only few days apart went all together from mother to heaven. I feel so empty, my heart so heavy, instead to be planning celebrations, now I'm getting ready to plan a funeral the best I can do for my little ones. I never got to hear their voices to sing "Jesus loves me", or "my hope is in the Lord". All these months full of joy have come crashing down, plagued with so many complications with a pregnancy of multiples.

Usually you only hear the happy ending stories, and very seldom the sad ones.

You'll be the judge for this one.

Looking back months ago, I remember the moment that we've been waiting for so long. Yes, finally pregnant! Then looking forward to feel them, hear them, with endless nights taking care of them, and the list has no end.

I need to talk to you my little babies. Can you hear me?

Kids, the moment I saw your heartbeats for the first time, I was so amazed to see the difference between something that did not exist before, and now it has been created. How wonderfully you were made, detail by detail, perfectly made. Your hands, fingers, every single part of you fully formed in ways that I will never be able to create on my own. Do you hear me?

Did you ever hear your daddy coming home and laying his ear tight enough on mommy’s belly trying to hear you? - Yes, daddy we can still heard you from here.

I was so happy to know that you were a gift from God, but now you're gone - Dad, we are still a gift from Him, we will always be His gift.

Your mommy and I worked so hard to find beautiful names for all of you, to make you proud of them - God already knew our names before we were created, and we love every single one of them.

Alexa, you left us a couple days ago. You are so beautiful, just like your mommy. Your fingers and legs are like hers. I'm sure so many boys would fall in love with you, but never love you like your Dad have loved you - Dad, I love you too. And here in heaven everybody has already fallen in love with me.

My baby girl, sorry that I didn't understand your constant waving, every time that we did an ultrasound and watched you dance. Now, I think that those were the only dances that I will see of you...packing together all those important times for dancing in life, high school prom, wedding day, etc. - Dad, when you get here, you and me will get the chance to dance for God forever, I promise.

My hand holding Jayden's hand
Jayden, I'm writing all these lines while you are still living inside mommy's womb. I'm so sorry that the doctors have to deliver you, to save your mom's life. I planned a fun life here on earth for you and me to go places around the world, play games, and spend fun time as father and son - Dad, I will be always with you, and when you come to heaven we will be able to play for eternity.

Lilia my troubled girl. I don't care how you looked on earth, because I know that you'll have a new and perfect body in heaven. I hope I recognize you when I meet you in God's presence - Dad, you're right I've been healed, and I'll be patiently waiting for you here.

Kids, I wish I could be taking care of you right now - Dad, we are getting the best care of the universe. And daddy, please take care of mommy, she is hurting a lot, she needs you.

You know I am your father - Everyone gets a father. Without you we will never existed. We owe ourselves to you.

I wanted to do so many things with you, play, eat, birthdays, good and bad times - Then you are really our Dad, if you want these things then you are really our father with all your strength.

I love you my little ones - We love you too, please don't cry Dad.

I still hold you - Now, we can hold you, both of you.

I miss you - We miss you too Dad.


Dear God, you know the secrets
that always do unfold
and all the hidden stories
that still remain untold;

We do not ask for answers
so we can understand
but ask for our believing,
for life is in your hand.

We held our babies quiet
and cried so deep inside;
the earth seemed oh so darkened,
all worlds did collide.

Now in the still of seasons
that in our life unfold
bring peace into the spirit
of secrets still untold.

The meanings of their names are:

Alexa Liliana:
    Alexa (Greek) "Defender"
    Liliana (Latin) "God's oath"

Jayden Miguel:
    Jayden (Hebrew) "Grateful, God has heard"
    Miguel (Hebrew) "Who is like God?"

Lilia Ashlyn:
    Lilia (Hebrew) "My God is a vow"
    Ashlyn (Gaelic) "Dream"

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