On Your Sixth Birthday

When there are no words.

Six years have passed. Some days it feels like a long time ago but today it feels like it just happened and I reminisce again in those few days. I remember with clear and deep intensity those few hours I held you, my babies in my arms. You were still alive, while I silently cried your departure, constantly wiping the tears down on my face I cried to God for a miracle, I pleaded to be able to raise you and be your daddy.

Holding Alexa

In the days, weeks and months that followed I settled my dream to be gone forever with all of you. As the story unfolded in front of my eyes. I can see the beauty of finally holding my first child and to take "healer" home, my handsome Jace. Then God started to pick up our lives, piece by piece slowly because it hurts. And now the quiver is full with joy and our new twin babies Jaden, because God has heard our plea, and Jackson, our little piece of God's grace has given us the opportunity to experience a life with multiple babies.

Holding Jayden

Still, I take a pause to remember you, to remember the shape of your tiny beautiful fingers. Oh, how small you were!. While writing this I close my eyes and picture all of you living in the radiance of Heaven's light. And I take a rest again, and allow God's presence to surround me, and to fill me up, to give me comfort and strength with peace beyond all understanding. Then all sudden I softly sense the whispers of you telling me this:

        "Daddy . . . , 

                daddy . . . we love you. 

                               Don't worry, 

there is no tears past heaven's gate"

Holding Lilia

But I miss you. All I have are the few pictures, ultrasounds, your outfits, blankies and memories of holding you so close to my heart. I can't help it to always wonder and look around and imagine watching you grow old. But when there are no words to describe my desire to see you, I simply pause and love you more. Love never forgets.

And so, today on your sixth heavenly and earthly birthday, I want to celebrate your. This night while God tucks you in, I want to wish you a beautiful sleep in heavenly peace.

Happy Heavenly 6th Birthday my precious Alexa, Jayden and Lilia!

With love,
        Your daddy.

"Grief never ends, but it changes. 

It is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith 

. . . but the price of love."

(Anonymous)

~ ♥ ~