A New Year, New Hope

Love Perseveres...

Dear God, This year is coming to its end. And it was a very difficult year for us. Sometimes I still miss my three little miracles. They went all together to heaven as they came into this world. I never got the chance to hear them say daddy, or being nursed by their mommy.

Now our hands are empty, but with hope. Hope that one day I will see them again, and finally get my aching desire to hold them again tightly. Hope that I will see you God, and give you thanks for holding me during these difficult times. And hope that has now come to us with our new baby, growing inside Jessica’s belly!

Overcoming Grief

Triplets footprints

A month ago...

Today, Jessica and I went to visit our babies resting place. We also got the opportunity to select a design for their headstone marker. We experienced that this area of the Cemetery, also known as "Baby Land" looked so beautiful today, with so many colors and decorations, toys, stuffed animals, flowers, pinwheels, etc. When you walk here, you can feel the care, love, pain and sorrow of so many parents that have lost a little one. They are like us, sharing a deep void of losing a child and all the broken dreams that comes with their departure. A month ago Alexa was born yesterday, Jayden and Lilia will be tomorrow.

Now they have spent one month in heaven.

I wonder why there is no word that describes our situation. When we lose our parents, we then become orphans. When a husband dies, then the wife becomes a widow; or widower (in the converse case). But when we lose a child, then there is no adjective that describes this situation.

Heavenly Snow

Thoughts from the funeral day

The weather forecast for that day was 50-degree weather. I was glad that the temperature would not be too cold for my family to come with us to bury our little babies' temporary bodies, because I know they have new ones in heaven.

Last Saturday is a day I'll keep close to my heart. During the service, right after I finished giving my tribute to them, I went and sat down next to Jessica, holding her close to me. Then my sister leaned to me and whispered: "the babies are talking back to you now" and with teary eyes she pointed out the windows of the church... It was like tiny angel feathers, slowly falling out of the sky.

Empty Arms

My hand holding Alexa's hand

Everything we planned on earth is gone to heaven

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children 

in my name, welcomes me" - Jesus
(Mark 9:37)

Babies are not supposed to die. Alexa Liliana, Jayden Miguel and Lilia Ashlyn in only few days apart went all together from mother to heaven. I feel so empty, my heart so heavy, instead to be planning celebrations, now I'm getting ready to plan a funeral the best I can do for my little ones. I never got to hear their voices to sing "Jesus loves me", or "my hope is in the Lord". All these months full of joy have come crashing down, plagued with so many complications with a pregnancy of multiples.

Usually you only hear the happy ending stories, and very seldom the sad ones.

You'll be the judge for this one.

From Mother to Heaven

Jess holding Alexa

This is how our triplet's good-bye was:

Wednesday morning around 6:25am I get a call from Jess. "The water broke!" my heart dropped to the floor. I quickly got up, grab a coat and rushed to the hospital. When I got there, they were transferring her to the labor area. I held her hand all the way into the labor room. There, we spent the next hours dealing with contractions. They did ultrasounds and it showed that both (the baby boy and the baby girl) were still well and alive. We were hoping that the contractions would stop. Unfortunately, by 10pm she started going into labor. My baby girl was already in her mother's birth canal. My "American" mom and "American" sister came to be with us during this hard time. I don't think we couldn't have done it without them. They coached Jess breathing and pushing during labor.

At 12:22am Alexa was born. I got to hold her, and brought her to her mom. Few minutes later, she was crossing the gates of heaven. Her entire life on this earth only lasted few seconds, and her daddy hold her for most of it. My dream to one day walk her down the aisle on her wedding day is now forever gone. From time to time, I wonder what are the color of her eyes, I'm sure when I see them they will be the most beautiful eyes ever. They could be the mix of Jess and mine.

The next step was to stay pregnant, the good news is that the cervix appeared to have closed, and contractions stopped. We have lost two baby girls, few days apart. Our goal now is to hold the remaining baby boy in there for at least 5 more weeks. And at the same time, make sure that no infection will take place.

There was still hope.

Healer is home

Lilia Ashlyn (aka Jacee)

(I know that there is this frequent question about why the name on the baby grave reads "Jacee", but we call the baby "Lilia". If you read at the end of this post it will explained why.)

Since the moment that we found that baby "B" had problems it was the beginning for us to understand that the days of us sharing with her presence, were counted. It was a matter of time for when it would happen. Few weeks ago we thought that that the baby was a boy (via ultrasounds). Every time an ultrasound occurred we had the opportunity to see her moving around and kicking back and forth with his sister and her brother. They had a lot of fun playing tag with each other inside mommy's womb, I would say.

Although we were prepared to know that the baby was not going to make it, it still doesn't prepare you for the moment when you hear it, that she has passed away.

Seven more weeks . . .

Week 17

Waiting for time to go fast.

There is this four-letter word that we all hate:  "W-A-I-T"

Even when we're a child, if we don't get it our way quickly then we cry and scream as hard as we can, until the desire is meet. The sooner the better! We love the microwave; I mean you get instant food real quick. Or we like to go to the fast-food trough the drive-thru and in few seconds we get the food we ordered. You expect that everything in life should get to you almost at the same time that you think about it.

I've been waiting to be a parent for almost two decades.

Hemorrhage! Did the babies survive?

Another trip to the ER

Last Sunday, we went to sleep early, because I had to go to a conference call meeting at 6:30 am with engineers in India. I took the garbage out, place the doggies in their cages, give the medication to Jess, and we went to sleep.

It was 2:30 am, and all sudden I heard a frantic scream: LUIS! Jessica was yelling from the bathroom. I quickly got up and when I opened the door, I found the floor covered with blood, including the rugs, and all of her legs were dripping blood. I desperately call the doctor directly, while getting new clothing for her. The doctor half-sleep answers and I tell him: My wife is bleeding! He replied: "take her to the ER now!"

Twenty minutes later we are in the ER room. They check her vitals, then the ER doctor came in, and performed an examination, and he tells us "your wife is going into labor". Jess and I look at each other, with so much despair. This can't be happening, not now, it is too soon. Can the babies survive? No, the doctor answered, and left the room. I followed him out, is there anything you can do to stop this? No, there is nothing we can do to stop nature, what is happening is beyond our control.

From Triplets to Twins

Lilia (Baby C 11-weeks)

One of the babies will not make it

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding"
(Proverbs 3:5)

Today at thirteen weeks, we went to the first full scan ultrasound at the fetal imaging in the hospital. They performed a complete evaluation of each baby. They measure height, head size, Femur length, heart rate, heart cavities condition, and determination if the babies share common placenta.

Each of them has their own placenta. Baby-A and C are 6.6cm (2.6inch), and the rest of the measurements are good and healthy. Baby-B has problems. The femur length is too small, all the skin is swollen, there is a big bag around the head, and the heart beat is abnormal. At that point the nurse went and called the resident doctor.

The doctor confirmed the findings, and told us that we have bad and good news.

Unexpected trip to the ER.

Dizzy, uncontrollable shaking, blurry vision.

The first months of the pregnancy were miserable for Jessica because of her constant nausea. When she wakes up she would vomit. She would eat crackers and will vomit them few minutes later, or eat yogurt, and vomit later; or eat cereal, or milk, or granola bars, or any lunch food or any dinner food; and vomit all of it. And even after vomiting, she would have to visit the bathroom again multiple times.

So, she started losing weight, instead of gaining it. The doctor was worry that she was not getting nutrients for herself. The babies will be ok for a while. So, he prescribed her the best medicine that he knows works for these cases. She got the medicine. And it was like a miracle. Finally, she was able to eat, go out to restaurants, and even allow me to cook or see any food without any nausea. It works like wonders!

6 to 12 weeks, and a belly!

A visible belly!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
(Psalm 139:13-14)

We spent Christmas time with Jess' parents in Oklahoma. For few days we had a couple of 75-degree days in winter time. That's a nice change from Michigan weather, in the month of January we've been in the single digits temperatures. I tell you: it eventually gets old. The days down in Oklahoma were relaxing; we got to see a lot of friends, work on the cars, see Bethany's new place, and meet the Jangla family again. But we wanted to go back to Michigan soon for our first appointment with the first MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) specialist on January 2nd.

After a short wait we got into the ultrasound room. For the first time I got to see and hear the babies heartbeats (around 176 bpm). It sounds like a train. And they are so tiny, around 25 mm (1 inch). Then we sat down with the doctor. He explained that some doctors (including him) would advise to perform a "Cerclage" (cervical stitch) during weeks 12 to 14. This will help to prevent early delivery or pregnancy loss. But other doctors would advise not to do that procedure and rely on close observation of the pregnancy. Also, he indicated that we should make a final decision to which hospital we wanted to use for the baby delivery. We heard that in our state there are two very good and highly specialized hospitals that deal with high risk multiple pregnancies. So we selected the one closest to home. And this meant to go to a second set of doctors.