Overcoming Grief

Triplets footprints

A month ago...

Today, Jessica and I went to visit our babies resting place. We also got the opportunity to select a design for their headstone marker. We experienced that this area of the Cemetery, also known as "Baby Land" looked so beautiful today, with so many colors and decorations, toys, stuffed animals, flowers, pinwheels, etc. When you walk here, you can feel the care, love, pain and sorrow of so many parents that have lost a little one. They are like us, sharing a deep void of losing a child and all the broken dreams that comes with their departure. A month ago Alexa was born yesterday, Jayden and Lilia will be tomorrow.

Now they have spent one month in heaven.

I wonder why there is no word that describes our situation. When we lose our parents, we then become orphans. When a husband dies, then the wife becomes a widow; or widower (in the converse case). But when we lose a child, then there is no adjective that describes this situation.

Heavenly Snow

Thoughts from the funeral day

The weather forecast for that day was 50-degree weather. I was glad that the temperature would not be too cold for my family to come with us to bury our little babies' temporary bodies, because I know they have new ones in heaven.

Last Saturday is a day I'll keep close to my heart. During the service, right after I finished giving my tribute to them, I went and sat down next to Jessica, holding her close to me. Then my sister leaned to me and whispered: "the babies are talking back to you now" and with teary eyes she pointed out the windows of the church... It was like tiny angel feathers, slowly falling out of the sky.

Empty Arms

My hand holding Alexa's hand

Everything we planned on earth is gone to heaven

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children 

in my name, welcomes me" - Jesus
(Mark 9:37)

Babies are not supposed to die. Alexa Liliana, Jayden Miguel and Lilia Ashlyn in only few days apart went all together from mother to heaven. I feel so empty, my heart so heavy, instead to be planning celebrations, now I'm getting ready to plan a funeral the best I can do for my little ones. I never got to hear their voices to sing "Jesus loves me", or "my hope is in the Lord". All these months full of joy have come crashing down, plagued with so many complications with a pregnancy of multiples.

Usually you only hear the happy ending stories, and very seldom the sad ones.

You'll be the judge for this one.

From Mother to Heaven

Jess holding Alexa

This is how our triplet's good-bye was:

Wednesday morning around 6:25am I get a call from Jess. "The water broke!" my heart dropped to the floor. I quickly got up, grab a coat and rushed to the hospital. When I got there, they were transferring her to the labor area. I held her hand all the way into the labor room. There, we spent the next hours dealing with contractions. They did ultrasounds and it showed that both (the baby boy and the baby girl) were still well and alive. We were hoping that the contractions would stop. Unfortunately, by 10pm she started going into labor. My baby girl was already in her mother's birth canal. My "American" mom and "American" sister came to be with us during this hard time. I don't think we couldn't have done it without them. They coached Jess breathing and pushing during labor.

At 12:22am Alexa was born. I got to hold her, and brought her to her mom. Few minutes later, she was crossing the gates of heaven. Her entire life on this earth only lasted few seconds, and her daddy hold her for most of it. My dream to one day walk her down the aisle on her wedding day is now forever gone. From time to time, I wonder what are the color of her eyes, I'm sure when I see them they will be the most beautiful eyes ever. They could be the mix of Jess and mine.

The next step was to stay pregnant, the good news is that the cervix appeared to have closed, and contractions stopped. We have lost two baby girls, few days apart. Our goal now is to hold the remaining baby boy in there for at least 5 more weeks. And at the same time, make sure that no infection will take place.

There was still hope.

Healer is home

Lilia Ashlyn (aka Jacee)

(I know that there is this frequent question about why the name on the baby grave reads "Jacee", but we call the baby "Lilia". If you read at the end of this post it will explained why.)

Since the moment that we found that baby "B" had problems it was the beginning for us to understand that the days of us sharing with her presence, were counted. It was a matter of time for when it would happen. Few weeks ago we thought that that the baby was a boy (via ultrasounds). Every time an ultrasound occurred we had the opportunity to see her moving around and kicking back and forth with his sister and her brother. They had a lot of fun playing tag with each other inside mommy's womb, I would say.

Although we were prepared to know that the baby was not going to make it, it still doesn't prepare you for the moment when you hear it, that she has passed away.

Seven more weeks . . .

Week 17

Waiting for time to go fast.

There is this four-letter word that we all hate:  "W-A-I-T"

Even when we're a child, if we don't get it our way quickly then we cry and scream as hard as we can, until the desire is meet. The sooner the better! We love the microwave; I mean you get instant food real quick. Or we like to go to the fast-food trough the drive-thru and in few seconds we get the food we ordered. You expect that everything in life should get to you almost at the same time that you think about it.

I've been waiting to be a parent for almost two decades.

Hemorrhage! Did the babies survive?

Another trip to the ER

Last Sunday, we went to sleep early, because I had to go to a conference call meeting at 6:30 am with engineers in India. I took the garbage out, place the doggies in their cages, give the medication to Jess, and we went to sleep.

It was 2:30 am, and all sudden I heard a frantic scream: LUIS! Jessica was yelling from the bathroom. I quickly got up and when I opened the door, I found the floor covered with blood, including the rugs, and all of her legs were dripping blood. I desperately call the doctor directly, while getting new clothing for her. The doctor half-sleep answers and I tell him: My wife is bleeding! He replied: "take her to the ER now!"

Twenty minutes later we are in the ER room. They check her vitals, then the ER doctor came in, and performed an examination, and he tells us "your wife is going into labor". Jess and I look at each other, with so much despair. This can't be happening, not now, it is too soon. Can the babies survive? No, the doctor answered, and left the room. I followed him out, is there anything you can do to stop this? No, there is nothing we can do to stop nature, what is happening is beyond our control.

From Triplets to Twins

Lilia (Baby C 11-weeks)

One of the babies will not make it

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
and lean not on your own understanding"
(Proverbs 3:5)

Today at thirteen weeks, we went to the first full scan ultrasound at the fetal imaging in the hospital. They performed a complete evaluation of each baby. They measure height, head size, Femur length, heart rate, heart cavities condition, and determination if the babies share common placenta.

Each of them has their own placenta. Baby-A and C are 6.6cm (2.6inch), and the rest of the measurements are good and healthy. Baby-B has problems. The femur length is too small, all the skin is swollen, there is a big bag around the head, and the heart beat is abnormal. At that point the nurse went and called the resident doctor.

The doctor confirmed the findings, and told us that we have bad and good news.

Unexpected trip to the ER.

Dizzy, uncontrollable shaking, blurry vision.

The first months of the pregnancy were miserable for Jessica because of her constant nausea. When she wakes up she would vomit. She would eat crackers and will vomit them few minutes later, or eat yogurt, and vomit later; or eat cereal, or milk, or granola bars, or any lunch food or any dinner food; and vomit all of it. And even after vomiting, she would have to visit the bathroom again multiple times.

So, she started losing weight, instead of gaining it. The doctor was worry that she was not getting nutrients for herself. The babies will be ok for a while. So, he prescribed her the best medicine that he knows works for these cases. She got the medicine. And it was like a miracle. Finally, she was able to eat, go out to restaurants, and even allow me to cook or see any food without any nausea. It works like wonders!

6 to 12 weeks, and a belly!

A visible belly!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
(Psalm 139:13-14)

We spent Christmas time with Jess' parents in Oklahoma. For few days we had a couple of 75-degree days in winter time. That's a nice change from Michigan weather, in the month of January we've been in the single digits temperatures. I tell you: it eventually gets old. The days down in Oklahoma were relaxing; we got to see a lot of friends, work on the cars, see Bethany's new place, and meet the Jangla family again. But we wanted to go back to Michigan soon for our first appointment with the first MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) specialist on January 2nd.

After a short wait we got into the ultrasound room. For the first time I got to see and hear the babies heartbeats (around 176 bpm). It sounds like a train. And they are so tiny, around 25 mm (1 inch). Then we sat down with the doctor. He explained that some doctors (including him) would advise to perform a "Cerclage" (cervical stitch) during weeks 12 to 14. This will help to prevent early delivery or pregnancy loss. But other doctors would advise not to do that procedure and rely on close observation of the pregnancy. Also, he indicated that we should make a final decision to which hospital we wanted to use for the baby delivery. We heard that in our state there are two very good and highly specialized hospitals that deal with high risk multiple pregnancies. So we selected the one closest to home. And this meant to go to a second set of doctors.

Triple Miracle

Ultrasound of the triplets

Triplets!

"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men"
(John 1:3-4)

After the first try at IVF we knew that we had left 20 frozen fertilized eggs. So, the doctors explained to us that we had very good chances to be able to have more chances to try to get pregnant, and finally have a baby. During this time we learned about many other stories from other couples that were also struggling with infertility. And we realized that statistically for IVF patients usually 25% of the people that try the first time may experience a miscarriage. And we now are part of that group of parents.

So, we tried again in mid-November, for the second time.

The jet-fuel crazy dog

Kelso

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

(John 16:33)

Finally, the date for the fertility doctor appointment arrived. While speaking to the doctor he indicated that we could keep trying the same last treatment from the previous fertility doctor (since we finally got pregnant) or to go straight for IVF. We knew that IVF was expensive, and he asked, "Do you want to have a baby now?" So, we decided to do IVF after listening to his analysis, experience and conclusions.

Then, the doctor told us that we were very "lucky". Because a pharmaceutical company contacted him few days earlier, looking for patients with PCOS, and they will cover half of the costs!. Inside of me, I immediatly knew that it was not "luck" but it was God himself, making the way for his miracle of life to take place. I was so grateful to God for opening the doors for us. Jessica was excited, and her faith started to take off. I love to see her seeking after God more, and to entrust her life in His hands.

Preggo?

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 

(Psalm 27:13)

Life has brought many experiences, and if I would know about them before hand, then I would be very terrified to live trough them. But I know that God does everything to its fulfillment. Tomorrow, Jessica and I will find out if she has been pregnant for 14 days. Since the time these microscopic embryos were transferred into her, we've been flooded with tons of emotions. Some of them with optimism and hope, and others with doubt that anything is going to ever work.

I believe that for most people, to have a child is one of their biggest dreams in life. For me, to be able to embrace my wife, and be able to see her belly grow, and to know that inside, there is a baby, and be able to whisper to the baby about how happy I feel about the day we can see each other face to face; has no words to describe.

Created!

Most people does not have idea of how we all come to life. I mean, they understand the basics (about the egg+sperm, a fetus and then a baby is born). But not the actual details. Not until they face infertility, they have no clue of how complex is the creation of a new life.

Everything has to fall at the right time, the body temperature has to be correct, the hormone levels, the thickness of the lining, the timing of the ovulation window has to match that the sperms make it on time, and that they can survive the waiting time, and be able to swim all the way up to the ovaries. Also, that the tubes are open with no abnormalities, that the uterus is in good healthy state; and then the fertilized egg be able to descend safely down to the uterus, and the list goes on. A healthy woman has the probability of 40% to be able to get pregnant. Infertility brings that percentage down to 15% only or less (some sad cases is 0%), few maybe up to 25% with IVF treatment.

Some people we have come in contact, (or known about) are so mean. Because they have come saying that if a child is not conceived the "traditional" way then it is not a "real" baby. And I thought to myself: how ignorant they are about what the doctors can actually do. They think that an In-vitro baby is all produced by "medical magic". If those people would spend the time to get educated and informed; they will quickly find out that the most advanced technology of today's medicine cannot produce a baby. All they can do is to be "lucky" obtaining eggs from the mother, and the similar thing for the father. Then, the only special thing is that they get those two vital and irreplaceable components and put them together. That's all they can do, nothing else. They have no control of the whole process at all.

Our spoiled rotten Yorkie girl

Kylin

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

(Psalms 1:1-3)

Right after the wedding, Jess and I wanted to have children. So we started working on it from day one. Kylin was a wedding gift from Jess'parents, and became like our first daughter. This dog has gotten my affection more that what I've imagined. We had no idea what we were going to live trough the next couple years. I work full time, and Jess stays home (at her request), because she likes to work around the house. And she wanted to spoil me with meals everyday. This little Yorkie has given company and lots of love to my lovely wife. The first year we tried to get pregnant went by without any success. Then, we went to the doctor and discovered that Jessica has Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), which meant that she produces too many tiny follicles, but not enough hormones for none of them to take the lead, therefore the ovulation never takes place.