On Your Second Birthday

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Dearest Babies,

Two years have passed after you my little ones: Alexa, Jayden and Lilia, all went together to Heaven. And I am missing you my precious babies. Our hands are heavy with hope.

Triplet's chicks decorated by
Grandma for 2010 Christmas

When I held you at birth I heard the words "it is finished". Yet your life is not finished. All we planned on earth is finished, but all we have planned will one day come true. Yes, when that day comes and I get to see you again in Heaven, is going to be like the first time I met you; and there will be no more goodbyes.

On that day I will be able to open the flood gates of hope inside of me. And all I have planned for you will become true. I'll get to play with you, and kiss you a lot, and laugh with you more deeply than we can now believe; sing with you a new song. You will get to show me sunsets that have been hidden and much more ...

But until that day comes. I'll continue to treasure in my heart our conversations.

Happy New Year 2011

Dear God,


Luis walking down the road
and pushing the stroller with Jace in it

2010 was a beautiful year, I feel hope, peace, and refuge in your hands, and this is such a wonderful feeling. What comes to my head is that you were there when I needed you the most. During the highest and the lowest times you were there. I felt your presence when the doctors delivered into our arms my beautiful son and I heard his cry for the first time; and you were there when my mother left us, and arrived into your arms.

I still remember from 2009, during the days that came after losing my triplets. That I told myself: “God created me, so He knows about the anger that I was about to unleash for letting my children die hopelessly in my arms”. And I did, I was in grief, deeply hurt and angry for a while. Until I realized that while I was in the middle of my anger, you were holding my children on your lap. And giving them love beyond all imagination, a love so great that no eye has seen, what no ear has heard.

Trip to the Big Apple

Jace meets my grandma Tita for the first time

Jace and Tita

Few days ago, while talking to my sister over the phone I found that Tita was planning to come to visit my cousin Alejandra, who lives in New Jersey. The last time we had some time with her was during my mother's funeral back in Venezuela (almost 2 months ago); and Tita was very happy about Jace's arrival, and the fact that my mother was able to see him at the beginning of his life. But Tita was also sad thinking that she might die before ever getting the chance to meet him.

So, we decided to surprise my grandma by traveling to New York, and be at the airport waiting for her.

Goodbye Mommy

Lilian Judith (1950)

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Forever in my heart

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. (Ps 119:28)

On September 23, 1950 on a blessed day, God kissed our world and delivered us a precious baby girl, the first child of Tito and Tita. Her name is Lilian Judith Gonzalez Gonzalez, my beautiful mother. She grew with lots of love and wonderful parents, my grandparents.

Now it has been 8 days after my mother went to heaven, and her love and presence are still within my broken heart. I can feel her comforts, and her happy smile she always share with all of us. She died last Saturday, October 2, 2010. Exactly four months after my son was born.

Our miracle baby boy

Why I believe he is my miracle boy?

After going back and seeing everything that happen; till the point of Jace birth. I am amazed of how many obstacles our little boy had to overcome, to make it here and now be alive in our arms. I wanted to share all those things in this post.

Jace Miguel is born

Jace Miguel

For this child we have prayed
I want to save in this blog entry all the happenings on the day Jace was born. As time passes I could start forgetting some details. But when written it will be there for generations to come, to testify God's love upon us.

On the day before his birth, Tuesday June 1st, 2010; we went to a pre-scheduled appointment to meet the one of the pediatric doctors we were interested in meeting, and to decide which doctor we liked the most. On that day Jessica was like all the previous days, without any contractions. We started thinking how ironic it could be if Jessica would have to be induced, after all those months of bed-rest at the hospital and at home and trying to keep the baby inside the womb. Now the baby could go beyond his estimated birth day on Saturday June 5th. So, we meet the doctor. And found out that they are also part of the same hospital network were we are planning to have Jace to be born. The staff was great.

Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle

It's a boy!

"Everyday holds the possibility of a Miracle"

The first time I came across this phrase was two weeks after my triplets have gone to heaven. It was printed-engraved, in a picture frame. I bought it and decided placed it on their grave. Where it stayed for the next few weeks. Later on, we took it with us, and now it hangs in the middle of our kitchen and family room, in a high place, easy to see, to remind us that God gives us the gift of miracles every day of our lives. There is no exception, they are given to us during good days and bad days.

Yes, everyday holds the possibility of a miracle. Even those days that seems completely surrounded by darkness, brokenness and the feeling of no hope, no future, and no more miracles left to live. For me, it includes those days that we lost our babies.

Your First Birthday

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes...

My Dearest Babies,

As I write these lines, a year ago you were still living with us. Now I'm getting ready to celebrate your birthday, I wish you were here and not in Heaven. Your first year of life has been full of so many emotions and feelings of all kinds. There were some nights of endless crying; some other nights were I couldn't or didn't want to pray. But many other nights full of joy, contentment and peace. A peace we felt beyond all understanding.

God danced the day you were born. It was too soon for each one of you to be born. We didn't want to lose you. On that day your eyes were still closed and I never got to see the color of your eyes. But now I realize that the moment you opened your eyes for the first time in your life, the first thing you got to see was the face of Jesus.

A New Year, New Hope

Love Perseveres...

Dear God, This year is coming to its end. And it was a very difficult year for us. Sometimes I still miss my three little miracles. They went all together to heaven as they came into this world. I never got the chance to hear them say daddy, or being nursed by their mommy.

Now our hands are empty, but with hope. Hope that one day I will see them again, and finally get my aching desire to hold them again tightly. Hope that I will see you God, and give you thanks for holding me during these difficult times. And hope that has now come to us with our new baby, growing inside Jessica’s belly!

Overcoming Grief

Triplets footprints

A month ago...

Today, Jessica and I went to visit our babies resting place. We also got the opportunity to select a design for their headstone marker. We experienced that this area of the Cemetery, also known as "Baby Land" looked so beautiful today, with so many colors and decorations, toys, stuffed animals, flowers, pinwheels, etc. When you walk here, you can feel the care, love, pain and sorrow of so many parents that have lost a little one. They are like us, sharing a deep void of losing a child and all the broken dreams that comes with their departure. A month ago Alexa was born yesterday, Jayden and Lilia will be tomorrow.

Now they have spent one month in heaven.

I wonder why there is no word that describes our situation. When we lose our parents, we then become orphans. When a husband dies, then the wife becomes a widow; or widower (in the converse case). But when we lose a child, then there is no adjective that describes this situation.

Heavenly Snow

Thoughts from the funeral day

The weather forecast for that day was 50-degree weather. I was glad that the temperature would not be too cold for my family to come with us to bury our little babies' temporary bodies, because I know they have new ones in heaven.

Last Saturday is a day I'll keep close to my heart. During the service, right after I finished giving my tribute to them, I went and sat down next to Jessica, holding her close to me. Then my sister leaned to me and whispered: "the babies are talking back to you now" and with teary eyes she pointed out the windows of the church... It was like tiny angel feathers, slowly falling out of the sky.

Empty Arms

My hand holding Alexa's hand

Everything we planned on earth is gone to heaven

"Whoever welcomes one of these little children 

in my name, welcomes me" - Jesus
(Mark 9:37)

Babies are not supposed to die. Alexa Liliana, Jayden Miguel and Lilia Ashlyn in only few days apart went all together from mother to heaven. I feel so empty, my heart so heavy, instead to be planning celebrations, now I'm getting ready to plan a funeral the best I can do for my little ones. I never got to hear their voices to sing "Jesus loves me", or "my hope is in the Lord". All these months full of joy have come crashing down, plagued with so many complications with a pregnancy of multiples.

Usually you only hear the happy ending stories, and very seldom the sad ones.

You'll be the judge for this one.

From Mother to Heaven

Jess holding Alexa

This is how our triplet's good-bye was:

Wednesday morning around 6:25am I get a call from Jess. "The water broke!" my heart dropped to the floor. I quickly got up, grab a coat and rushed to the hospital. When I got there, they were transferring her to the labor area. I held her hand all the way into the labor room. There, we spent the next hours dealing with contractions. They did ultrasounds and it showed that both (the baby boy and the baby girl) were still well and alive. We were hoping that the contractions would stop. Unfortunately, by 10pm she started going into labor. My baby girl was already in her mother's birth canal. My "American" mom and "American" sister came to be with us during this hard time. I don't think we couldn't have done it without them. They coached Jess breathing and pushing during labor.

At 12:22am Alexa was born. I got to hold her, and brought her to her mom. Few minutes later, she was crossing the gates of heaven. Her entire life on this earth only lasted few seconds, and her daddy hold her for most of it. My dream to one day walk her down the aisle on her wedding day is now forever gone. From time to time, I wonder what are the color of her eyes, I'm sure when I see them they will be the most beautiful eyes ever. They could be the mix of Jess and mine.

The next step was to stay pregnant, the good news is that the cervix appeared to have closed, and contractions stopped. We have lost two baby girls, few days apart. Our goal now is to hold the remaining baby boy in there for at least 5 more weeks. And at the same time, make sure that no infection will take place.

There was still hope.

Healer is home

Lilia Ashlyn (aka Jacee)

(I know that there is this frequent question about why the name on the baby grave reads "Jacee", but we call the baby "Lilia". If you read at the end of this post it will explained why.)

Since the moment that we found that baby "B" had problems it was the beginning for us to understand that the days of us sharing with her presence, were counted. It was a matter of time for when it would happen. Few weeks ago we thought that that the baby was a boy (via ultrasounds). Every time an ultrasound occurred we had the opportunity to see her moving around and kicking back and forth with his sister and her brother. They had a lot of fun playing tag with each other inside mommy's womb, I would say.

Although we were prepared to know that the baby was not going to make it, it still doesn't prepare you for the moment when you hear it, that she has passed away.

Seven more weeks . . .

Week 17

Waiting for time to go fast.

There is this four-letter word that we all hate:  "W-A-I-T"

Even when we're a child, if we don't get it our way quickly then we cry and scream as hard as we can, until the desire is meet. The sooner the better! We love the microwave; I mean you get instant food real quick. Or we like to go to the fast-food trough the drive-thru and in few seconds we get the food we ordered. You expect that everything in life should get to you almost at the same time that you think about it.

I've been waiting to be a parent for almost two decades.