On Your Fifth Birthday

Three names that mean the whole world to me: Alexa, Jayden and Lilia.

As your fifth birthday has arrived, I've written these lines to share how much your daddy loves you, and deeply misses you. During these moments God perhaps has already shared with you, or given you a glimpse of the joyful happenings of your mommy, daddy and younger brother Jace down here on earth.

Reading to them

As the fifth anniversary approaches, no matter what we try to do, the days become emotionally charged, and any little unexpected events can catch you off-guard so quickly. Last Sunday, something really special happened.

As a parent I want to protect my child from any hurt, including emotional "ouchies". So, I don't know how, or when I will be able to explain to my boy about the story of his three siblings up in heaven. I don't want him to experience the deep sorrow that his mommy and I feel when these days come each year. But I also can see that as he grows older he is starting to understand things better. Even as a 3-year toddler, he is surprises me of his awareness of life around him. I pray I have the wisdom and the right words for him, when the times comes. And be able to give him the comforts and peace that God has given me too.

We are in good hands

Baby-B 3D scan at 25 weeks

Yesterday, we went for the ultrasound check on the anti-body status, baby growth and the cervix length. And prayers are being answered with the anti-body situation, because there is no indication that it has affected my two boys at all. However the cervix measurement showed that it is now too short, and required my wife to be hospitalized.

Thanks Heaven for boys

It was exciting for me reveal to the rest of the family the genders of the babies. I also know that many people were hoping that at least one of them would be a girl. And I would have liked that too; but deep in my heart I've been praying for healthy babies, whatever their genders are.

Waiting to find out their genders

(Merged 3D scan at 13 weeks)

Last month, we got our first appointment with the MFM doctor assigned to our case. And they did a 3D scan on the babies. I'm so amazed how much at 13 weeks a baby already looks like. Both of them are at the right size for their gestational age. So, we will keep pressing forward on our prayers for my little ones.

During the same appointment the doctors kept talking about their concern over the couple cysts that Jess has in her body, and the potential risk that the cervix could give up later on in the pregnancy. So, two weeks ago they scheduled a surgery to do a cerclage (known also as a cervical stitch). The night before the surgery our main doctor calls home, and shared that he wanted to add to the surgery a cyst draining procedure. This meant she would be under total anesthesia.

Antibody detected

Last week the doctors did a routine blood screening on Jess. And few days later we had an ultra-sound appointment. The scanning of the twin babies showed that everything is good. They have a good healthy size for a 10-week fetus, their heart rates are nice and strong; and the cervix length is also good. But at the end of the test, the lab doctor came into the room, and told us to go to a different room, to the despised patient conference room. We were wondering: Why? What's wrong? But no answers.

Twins!

For couples that struggle with fertility, the journey to become parents can be a very difficult roller-coaster experience. After several miscarriages, and losing the triplets, the miracle of having our son it is a blessing beyond anyone can imagine. But in my heart I have this father love, which kept pushing me to trust in God once again (and the same thing was happening to my wife). And try for another child in the midst of what could be almost impossible from the medical point of view.

Unstuck

Last night we went to the first session of a church series named "unstuck". Towards the end of the meeting; the speaker said to all of us to take a moment of silence, and allow ourselves to experience a little bit of God's presence.

I thought; sure, I usually prefer to do this when I'm alone reading His word; or when listening to awesome worship music by myself. But I decided to give it a shot anyway. So, while everyone had their eyes closed; the speaker was instructing: “Imagine yourself far away... You are in the most beautiful beach you've ever imagined. Now, you can feel your toes in the soft sand, and you glaze at the pure crystal waters. As you walk down the seashore all sudden you can feel this beautiful and warm sunlight on your face.”

2013 Children Memorial Service

(This is the outline I read during this year's Children Memorial Service. The audience were all the parents or family members of the children laid to rest in the same cemetery where my triplets are.)

It is very meaningful and emotional to get up here in front of all of you, and be able to share my thoughts four years after I said "goodbye" to my triplets. I know that this tragedy shook me far more than I ever realized or have confessed. 

Especially during those early weeks, questioning God is something I am not proud of; but I did. I did not understand why it happened; I was in total despair and without hope. Particularly after all the prayers that did not get answered the way I wanted it.

Faith

"Through Him all things were made"
(John 1:3)

For those of you that know the Bible; when talking about Abraham and his wife Sarah. I can imagine their community had to think that they were crazy, after all those years, to continue to believe in God's promise of a child. But they refused to give up on believing. And they kept their faith in His word and promises.

The "Mother Glow"

(Our Triplets Angels pendant with their playscape in the background)

Today is August 19th, and some have decided to make it the "Day of Hope" and I like the idea. So, on this day I'm writing a new post in their memory.

Our babies were not a "lost pregnancy" as some have described them. They were not a "sad thing" that happened to us; nor a "tragic circumstance". They are babies, our babies, my babies. Precious human beings.

Soon after their birth a quote came to me that read: "God and Angels danced the day they were born"; but also very important their mommy glowed the day they were born; some people call it "The Mother Glow". It happens to every mother regardless of whether her baby breathes or not. The memory of that beautiful glowing reflection and love that happened since that day is enough evidence for me that they exist.

Grief is like an amputation

Here is some reading that is very well written and accurate; worth to share:

When talking about a child loss then "amputation" is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is different from the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the severing, and then the relentless pain of the "gone-ness". The countless might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike other pain.

On Your Fourth Birthday

Everybody who truly knows us also knows our four children: Alexa, Jayden, Lilia and Jace.

Today my triplets are four years old. Today is also their fourth year living in Heaven. And I wish them to be here and listen their silly dad singing to them ♫Happy Birthday to you ♫♪♫ in Spanish. But I still will go ahead and sing it to them with the help of their mommy and younger brother.

Till I hold you again

Tomorrow, March the 12th, was the day that I met and held for the first time my first daughter Alexa, knowing that her sister Lilia (aka Jacee) already had gone to heaven days earlier, and hoping her brother Jayden would somehow survive. Sometimes, I wish all the triplets would have gone together on the same day. So we could have a single day to remember them together. But instead our experience stretches over a length of 9 days. Lilia went into the arms of Jesus on the 6th, then Alexa on the 12th, and then Jayden on the 14th.

Four years after our goodbye; there have been so many beautiful poems that I have come across, that have inspired me, and I've made references on this blog. But this year I decided to write my first own poem for my triplets. I titled it "Till I hold you again".
I hope you like it...

Still

An amazing video worth to include in my blog.

In the video the following words resonate with me: "Thinking about the first smile, the first school day, the first dance, the prom, the wedding.... the grandchild... it's all gone. This is it... We need to make it bold and beautiful!. We are a family, and no one can take that away from us... never." Referring to their child no longer in their arms, but still in their hearts.